Being the "physically" needy person in a relationship is now to be referred to as being the "thirstier" one. I know this because, along with all great psychological literature, it came up on a Facebook post in my newsfeed. It was not searched for or requested by me. It wasn't from a page I'd accidentally liked called ''Curious and Mysterious Sexy Tidbits". It was a suggested post.
I'm awfully pleased it wasn't sent to me by a friend or ex. That would be awkward. I stopped at the post, curious. It was titled: What it's like to be the thirsty one in your relationship.
I do drink a lot of Diet Coke, organic pressed blueberry juice (to cancel out the chemicals that may or may not be in the cola), and a sh*tload of coffee. I am thirsty. I wondered why it mattered and what in God's name it could mean.
So, wanting to find out if I had pre-diabetes, an under active set of saliva glands or if I was just a guzzler, I clicked on the link.
Years ago I was at a kid's party. The birthday child went to Montessori with my one of my kids. Montessori was great. My kids learnt to use knives and make scones: valuable life skills. I was sitting with a bunch of Montessori mothers I didn't know and a couple of them started talking about what a drag it was always having their husbands on at them for sex.
"Graeme literally chases me around the bedroom with no pants on," complained one, as another rolled her eyes.
I couldn't join in the conversation. I don't think I'd ever been with a man who chased me anywhere for sex. Was there something wrong with me? Was there something wrong with all of them? Was I supposed to run away, say no, feign a headache, or dislike physical love? Did I somehow get a "man brain"?
It's true, I'm awful at remembering birthdays, throwing baby showers, and wrapping presents. Maybe I did have man brain and was far too lusty and eager for my own good. I couldn't say that out loud to these women. They were all very anti sexy stuff and were doing a lot of eye rolling.
I wondered if when I reached my 40s I'd morph from a man-brained woman into an eye roller and bed avoider. It didn't happen. If anything, I got more mad keen, but not to the point of it becoming a driving force or addiction. I just really enjoyed it. Like Keith Quinn enjoys rugby. It was just great sport and fun.
But I open the link only to discover it's a condition. I'm not sure about these bloody so called "expert articles" on Facebook. Suddenly, liking physical relations (I'm trying to be temperate) is a condition that apparently affects only one person in the relationship. One is always thirstier than the other.
That seems like a dismally disappointing fate I'll have to eternally suffer. According to this Facebook link, I will always moan that I don't get enough. And any partner I have, or have had, will sit at children's parties, talk of me running about without my pants on and roll their eyes. I wonder if that's happened. How embarrassing.
It may explain why the guy who's a known swinger texts me random suggestions out of the blue. I am not, never have been and never will be a swinger. I'm sure it's awesome fun and games for some, but for me it would most certainly end in a jealous rage, a sharp kitchen knife and a prison sentence. I can't think of anything worse. I'm not good at sharing. I'm a youngest child and I want my own toys, thanks.
I don't believe this Facebook piece. I don't believe we are always destined to have one member of the team thirstier than the other. It does happen, I know. The women at the kid's party prove that. But I don't think it's destiny that one of you always has to be less satisfied. It's depressing and it implies that one of you is a maniac while the other has the sex drive of a footstool.
I like to think that eventually we meet someone who drinks the same drink and feels like another at similar intervals. I like to believe that it's a very old, silly fallacy that men want to drink from the well more than women. It's not a good message to pass on to our girls that sex is to be begged for, withheld, seen as a chore or something to whinge about. It should not be encouraged to be used as a prize, for control, as a means of manipulation or something naughty.
I'm always thirsty, or if not actually thirsty, at least easily convinced a tipple is not such a bad idea.