The other day I went to a whole food store and asked if they had gluten flour. Yes, flour made out of GLUTEN. I had to repeat it for the sales assistant, too, about three times. Then her eyes went so round it was like I'd asked for kitten mince. (Sorry.)
Believe it or not, I don't use gluten flour to shock new agers. I use it to make my homemade bread nice and soft. And seeing as I'm not "gluten sensitive", or coeliac - which covers approximately one per cent of the population only - why wouldn't I?
Actually, don't answer that question. If I hear one more person harping on about the joy that's flooded their bodies thanks to banning the stuff, I fear I might muffle their insufferable gob with a sponge.
Anyway, gluten freedom fighters can now avoid intolerant cynics like me, because they have their own dating website: GlutenFreeSingles ("We All Go Gluten Free!") So far it's just in the US, but I'm sure it's just a matter of time before Harvest74 and AlmondmealLOve get to meet in a New Zealand version and breed themselves a little grain-free gang of their own.
In theory, this could be very helpful for actual coeliacs. (Though the way things are going, we'll soon need a website for estranged Gluten Tolerators.) Not needing to make separate meals for your partner, for instance, or to avoid accidentally eating some gluten destined for your loved one's gut. Still, unless you live in New York or some such, that's narrowing your dating pool down to microscopic proportions.
But narrowing your dating pool down to microscopic proportions is big business now. Niche dating websites are springing up left, right and centre, satiating humans' desire to find their clone as they go. There are vegetarian ones, food allergy ones, vegan ones, and even ones for people who like horses (not like that).
But those ones are about as boring as GlutenFreeSingles. Here, in no particular order, are some of the... best?
This altruistic site is for men (or "benefactors") who want to pay for women to have breast enlargements, in the hope those same women will then agree to meet them. Romance! Because if custom-designing your date's not thoughtful... well, I don't know what is. Here is a BBC interview with its founders.
There are several advantages to dating a female inmate: She stays put, there's no competition, and... yup, that about sums it up. Clearly though there are further benefits, as this site receives more than 50 emails per day for its 100-plus female prisoners. Their dating profiles include a short blurb ("I have an insane sense of humor!") and earliest release date, but no information on their actual crimes.
There's also Prison Inmates Online, which offers 1,694 men serving time. Again, there's no info about what they're actually in for, but that's cool, because all the photos are of inmate abs. The Recent User Updates feed is like a mini prison dating social media site, where you can view messages and pictures posted by members. The latest, at time of publishing: "if nobody hears frm me after tomorrow yu can reach me at 402 s 2nd st Greenville il 62246 ill most likely be incarcerated."
Two words: INTERPRETIVE DANCE. This is the stuff of (my) nightmares. I bet they'd all be crazy for musicals too, and life would rapidly devolve into "show package" weekends in Melbourne to see weirdly exaggerated over-acting and dramatic singing about life, on loop forever until you died.
"Where cat lovers greet and meet!". First of all, I am totally pro this site: the sooner we lump cat-obsessives together, the sooner they'll turn to each other with tit-bits about their cat's "personality", and never bother the rest of us ever again. There's even a blog where you can ask all sorts of pressing questions about cats, this like, from 'furball':
"whats the best bait for my cat traps? as im tryn to aquire more cats. and one more question how do i stop them from fightn each other as they are ripping the fur from one another. since i currently lost my job for not shown up cause i have to constantly have to seperate them from one another".
Join today and you get a free Cat Care E BOOK.
Here is where those with a penchant for man-children go to find "the finest collection" of low-slung trousers out there. But not so fast, because "skating is not only a sport or lifestyle, it is something you have in your soul; and if you want to date a skater, you have a lot to learn."
Firstly, it is "important to catch a phrase or two from skater vocabulary - to know what he means when talking about the most important thing in his life". (Note: that will never be you. You don't have wheels, for a start.) Because "without all background information and the right attitude, you will probably end up all alone".
Sorry, that's a lot of quotes. But they clearly know their stuff.
Let's cut to the chase: "everyone on this site has some form of mental illness". You have been warned, at least.
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