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Paul Casserly: The most memorable TV Quotes of 2012

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The Ridges made us laugh in 2012 but their quotes weren't memorable enough for this list. Photo / Herald on Sunday
The Ridges made us laugh in 2012 but their quotes weren't memorable enough for this list. Photo / Herald on Sunday

Here's a collection of the lines that have stuck with me as one year comes to an end and a new one begins.

Strangely none of them are from the Ridges or John Key, although both were great contributors to this amusement park we call New Zealand. But that's the only clue you're getting. Can you guess who uttered them?

1."What if sisters want to get married? Or three people?"

2."No plum can fathom the depths of my faithlessness, now please f*** off and leave me alone."

3."Not like any vagina I ever saw."

4."If any man dies with a clean sword, I'll rape his f***en corpse."

5."The main thing is to wake up every morning."

6."I want to get so I drunk I forget where I live."

7."Maori's aren't mean to fly."

8. "No Chinaman ever came into my village and burned it down."

9. "You can't look a gift corpse in the mouth."

10. "When sorrows come, they come not in single spies, but in Battalions."


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1. "What if sisters want to get married? Or three people?"

Or how about a chimp and a feijoa? That was some wonderful logic displayed by a man of the cloth who was roped in to argue against the idea of same sex marriage on Close Up. But he was on a hiding to nothing. Alison Mau was on hand to personalise the argument in a compellingly simple way - "Why shouldn't I marry whomever I want to?" In the end even the preacher gave up to concede: "Yes I agree, it's probably going to happen anyway, it's inevitable."

2. "No plum can fathom the depths of my faithlessness, now please f*** off and leave me alone."

This atheist themed zinger was from the recent UKTV series Any Human Heart. The scene: Logan Mountstuart - played by the wonderful Jim Broadbent - was in hospital, when a Priest approached with unwanted blessings. Logan let rip with that lovely riposte. The priest retreated.

3. "Not like any vagina I ever saw."

Another nugget of awesomeness from the goldmine called Breaking Bad. The scene: Jesse is in an art gallery looking at paintings by Georgia O'Keefe. He'd been briefed about her typical work, but sadly these were some of her more 'abstract' pieces.

4. "If any man dies with a clean sword, I'll rape his f***en corpse."

This was sent in error to 3,000 ACC claimants, just jokes, it was of course Wallace Chapman on the wonderfully surreal final of Backbenches on TVNZ7. Or was it the 'Hound' just before the final battle scene on Game of Thrones? GOT it is, and yes the best series of the year in March 2013.

5. "The main thing is to wake up every morning."

Fred from Buckland's Beach bowling club had just turned 100, so naturally Michael Holland from Close Up was on hand for one of his trademark good vibe puff pieces. The dry response was to that inevitable question; "What's your secret?" Fred was a joker and you wouldn't have been surprised if he said "Heroin and Horlicks." The truth wasn't too far off - he was an enthusiastic smoker and drinker and even sculled some rum for the camera. That's the beauty of current affairs, you can celebrate drinking and smoking one day and create a moral panic about it the next.

6. "I want to get so I drunk I forget where I live."

That was Jason Grimshaw's recipe for dealing with all the post tram-crash trauma on Coronation Street. Clearly his quest is doomed, as he lives on the most famous street in the world.

7. "Maori's aren't mean to fly."

Martin Crowe infamously suggested that Maori weren't suited to test cricket due to short attention spans or some such nonsense. But as far as I know he has not passed judgement on their aeronautical attributes. The quote in question was from a Maori dude who was one of the grateful, yet shaken, customers of the brilliant free medical flights run by Air Angels, as profiled on TV1's Sunday by Phil Vine.

8. "No Chinaman ever came into my village and burned it down."

Said Ella Henry on TV3's Think Tank. It was in answer to a question from John Tamihere about how she felt as a Maori in relation to Chinese immigrants.

9. "You can't look a gift corpse in the mouth."

The political comedy of the year, hands down, was The Thick of It, and this cracking line was in reference to a certain irritant called Mr Tickle who's suicide turned out to be a potential political windfall for Scottish spin-doctor Malcolm Tucker.

10. "When sorrows come, they come not in single spies, but in Battalions."

Another Shakespearean moment from John Stape on Coronation Street. The karmic fallout of his murderous ways seemed to have taken a terrible a toll as he challenged Carey from Homeland and the craziest Mofo on the box in 2012.

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