NORFOLK ISLAND - The day he told police he had stabbed Janelle Patton on Norfolk Island, Glenn McNeill made a handwritten statement saying he was "sorry for her parents' loss", a court has been told.
"It makes me sick and sad what I have done," the father of two wrote in the statement read out today in the territory's Supreme Court.
"I have tried to take my own life on many occasions to make up for that day.
"I will always be sorry and I will always hurt."
McNeill has pleaded not guilty to murdering 29-year-old Ms Patton in March 2002.
The jury in his murder trial today watched a videotape of the chef writing the one-page statement following an interview with Australian Federal Police, in which he confessed to stabbing Ms Patton after accidentally running her over.
According to McNeill, it was the first time he had told anyone about the events of that day.
He wrote that ever since, he had thought about what he had done and "had the burden of knowing what really happened on Norfolk".
"I am sorry that I did not help her and I'm sorry for her parents' loss," he wrote.
"I will live with this forever. So will my family and my kids, growing up not knowing me."
McNeill also wrote that he only wished to do "what is right".
Earlier, the jury watched the interview recorded by police after McNeill was arrested at his New Zealand home in February last year.
Questioned by lead investigator Bob Peters, McNeill said he felt "very nervous and agitated" after driving Ms Patton's body to a picnic reserve.
On returning to his flat, he "sat there and played Playstation and tried not to think about what had happened, basically, had a couple of drinks".
McNeill said although he had thought about contacting police, he was "young and stupid" and scared of the consequences.
"I've kept it to myself ever since," he said.
"I'd made a mistake, basically, and I just wanted to put it behind me."
He had had "nightmares about it ever since", he told the detectives, and had also suffered from depression.
"I can't get her out of my head," he said.