Paul Casserly watched too much TV as a child.

Paul Casserly: Off with their heads!

MasterChef judges Josh Emmett, Simon Gault and Ray McVinnie. Photo / Supplied
MasterChef judges Josh Emmett, Simon Gault and Ray McVinnie. Photo / Supplied

With Queen's Birthday coming up, I thought I'd write to Her Royal Highness to request the royal beheading of the following villains. I believe as a member of the Commonwealth this right still exists, and I hereby make my case against the following offenders.

The CEO's of all major burger chains.

Fair Go did brilliant work this week doing something that most of us do in our heads every time we enter the den of a burger pusher - comparing the pictures of burgers with the real thing.

There's an obvious gap between reality and the 'puffery'- that's the word the commerce commission used - of the sexed-up images that tempt us in.

So what did these burger-bashers have to say? One suggested that like TV presenters the burgers were made up and not as ugly as the real thing. A spokes-burger from Wendy's actually fronted up but then spoiled it all with some management speak explaining that soon they will be "rolling out new wrapping procedures".

They dragged in The Food Truck's Michael Van de Elzen who shamed some of these limp looking burgers, but I still think beheading is in order.

Warrior Burger? Epic Burger? Soggy Old-Man's-Nappy-Burger, more like.

Fair Go itself.

And so the axe swings. The founder of the show, Brian Edwards, has written a scathing summation of how the show operates from the point of view of the dodgy contractor. It was reported in the Herald, like this, but in order to get a real sense of what it's all about and to read some feisty correspondence you'll need to go here. The axes are out and they're sharp.


One of the unfortunate stars of Road Cops (TV3, Wednesday 7.30pm). Pissed as a newt while out driving, Michael sees cops behind him, gets his girlfriend to switch seats with him - which of course the sober cops notice - then wants his girlfriend, Sharon, to lie in court for him, risking jail time herself, so he can get off his drink-driving charge. Sharon wasn't so keen.

The Harvey Norman and Noel Leeming voiceover artists.

STOP YELLING AT ME! Better still, place your heads on the chopper, hold still. Any last words? Forty-eight weeks interest free you say, that's interesting ... CHOP.

Liquor wowsers.

This week Close Up sent reporter Mark Crysel out on the town in Auckland looking for pissed kids. Or as they put it: "Legless in the zoo that is Auckland city after dark - a never ending story."

Mostly, I suspect, it's because it's fun to watch wasted kids falling over and slurring that they keep making this story every year. Then the usual suspects line up to tut tut and suggest that the solution is to put the price of piss up. Haven't these people seen Boardwalk Empire?

The producers of The GC.

Small New Zealand towns were finding it hard enough to hang on to their young as it was. Oh and I think Grey Power, the teachers union and Colin Craig are also keen for some punitive action. Mind you, if you can entice enough of the drunk kids from K Rd over to the lucky country, at least the cops and emergency room doctors will be happy.

Tony from MasterChef.

Off with his bald head. A Herald poll has got it wrong, this nark has broken the code. Hasn't he watched the The Sopranos or Porridge?

Sure he can cook and sure $100k is at stake, but dobbing in his fellow contestants, it's just, well, for one thing it's playing into the hands of the producers thus creating just enough drama to force me to keep watching. Mind you it has also sparked some amusing online commentary.

The words "douche," "nark," "tattle tale" and "pathetic" have been deployed against poor old whistle-blowing Tony. Ana from Waiheke came under fire too - "sneaky" said one, "scummy" another. Chelsea or "blondy" was described as doing the "old pucker my lips like a monkey's butthole" when she realised she was rumbled.

The judges have also received some amusing abuse thanks to the anonymous executioners on TradeMe's always entertaining message boards.

One was sick of Simon Gault's "chubby little face" while Ray McVinnie was deemed a "sarcastic sod", sadly no one seemed too interested in being mean about the one who looks like an eagle.

God save the Queen.

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Paul Casserly watched too much TV as a child.

It began with Dr Who, in black and white, when it was actually scary. The addiction took hold with Chips, in colour. He made his mum knit a Starsky and Hutch cardigan. Later, Twin Peaks would blow what was left of his mind. He’s been working in radio and TV since the 1990s and has an award in his pool room for Eating Media Lunch.

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