Bay of Plenty Times
  • Bay of Plenty Times home
  • Latest news
  • Business
  • Opinion
  • Lifestyle
  • Property
  • Sport
  • Video
  • Death notices
  • Classifieds

Subscriptions

  • Herald Premium
  • Viva Premium
  • The Listener
  • BusinessDesk

Sections

  • Latest news
  • On The Up
  • Business
  • Opinion
  • Lifestyle
  • Property
    • All Property
    • Residential property listings
  • Rural
    • All Rural
    • Dairy farming
    • Sheep & beef farming
    • Horticulture
    • Animal health
    • Rural business
    • Rural life
    • Rural technology
  • Sport

Locations

  • Coromandel & Hauraki
  • Katikati
  • Tauranga
  • Mount Maunganui
  • Pāpāmoa
  • Te Puke
  • Whakatāne
  • Rotorua

Media

  • Video
  • Photo galleries
  • Today's Paper - E-Editions
  • Photo sales
  • Classifieds

Weather

  • Thames
  • Tauranga
  • Whakatāne
  • Rotorua

NZME Network

  • Advertise with NZME
  • OneRoof
  • Driven Car Guide
  • BusinessDesk
  • Newstalk ZB
  • Sunlive
  • ZM
  • The Hits
  • Coast
  • Radio Hauraki
  • The Alternative Commentary Collective
  • Gold
  • Flava
  • iHeart Radio
  • Hokonui
  • Radio Wanaka
  • iHeartCountry New Zealand
  • Restaurant Hub
  • NZME Events

SubscribeSign In

Advertisement
Advertise with NZME.
Home / Bay of Plenty Times

Cutting Edge - Column

By by Rosemary McLeod
Bay of Plenty Times·
9 Mar, 2011 07:28 PM4 mins to read

Subscribe to listen

Access to Herald Premium articles require a Premium subscription. Subscribe now to listen.
Already a subscriber?  Sign in here

Listening to articles is free for open-access content—explore other articles or learn more about text-to-speech.
‌
Save

    Share this article

My search for cheerful news in the aftermath of the Christchurch quake has not been in vain. I have Bear Grylls to thank for that.
I'm no fan of survivalists, especially survivalists who declare the need to drink their own urine on camera, or munch tiger spoors while pondering their calorie count.
I've
often wondered if any woman has really kissed the awful Bear, and had second thoughts afterwards - I mean you don't exactly see him cleaning his teeth, do you?
Would he taste of grasshopper? Would he absent-mindedly bite your tongue off? And would he eye your cat in an overly thoughtful way, as if assessing how much meat would be on the carcass, and how best to prepare it over a camp fire lit with the aid of a magnifying glass and the sun's convenient rays?
Bear is married, strange to say, with sons named Marmaduke, Jesse and Huckleberry - all of which sound a lot like foodstuffs, as in: "I think I'll poach some Jesse tonight, and have it with Huckleberry relish and deep-fried Marmaduke crisps."
Despite this apparent qualification for adulthood, Bear is the ultimate boy, as in shudderingly awful boy who chases little girls while dangling dead mice by their tails, keeps spiders suffocating in jars, and kills sparrows with his BB gun.
He brings to mind the terror of the primers at Masterton Central School, who hung around the entrance to the girls' toilets and threatened to look under the door while you were on the dunny - or for that matter the boys who did their level best to peep through knot holes in the changing room wall before swimming classes while we girls squealed.
That's possibly what put me off swimming, thinking of the freckly fat boy who was so eager to report on the colour of girls' underpants.
What innocent times they were back then, with no R16 content on television - and how slugs-and-snails boys were just the same.
Not that Bear was the sort of boy who passes through humble small town schools like mine. He went to Eton, which makes him a toff, one who feels the need to prove his mettle in the bloke world despite being born with a canteen of silver cutlery in his mouth.
The basic year's fees for three terms at Eton are more than most New Zealanders earn in a year and support a family on - about $70,000. And then there's the top hat and tails to be bought, and the song sheet for the Eton Boating Song won't come cheap.
All of this prepared Bear for a life of seeking hardship where none existed before he turned up, and from which any normal man would turn tail and run.
As luck would have it, he was in the South Island filming episodes of his series when the quake struck - on a wire bridge above a gorge, but a safe 240km from Christchurch.
The good news is that among all the nasty things he has ingested, the live tree weta that Bear ate during filming here was, he says, the worst. "It tasted literally how you'd imagine poo would taste," he reports. "I've eaten a lot of bugs, but this was something else.
We'd all wondered, I'm sure, whether they were worth an inquisitive nibble.
Unfortunately our cats, which spent much of their kittenhood wiping out a colony of wetas, bringing their twitching bodies indoors to put at our feet, couldn't give us the rundown. I feel a certain patriotic pride at our having disgusted even the irrepressible Bear. It's an achievement.
Another notable report of the past week involved the American university where a live demonstration of the use of a sex toy was laid on by its psychology professor, who saw "absolutely no harm" in the performance, intended as an illustration of sexual fetishes.
None of the students who stayed after class to watch the woman involved strip off and yodel has complained, but the professor says he won't be offering repeat performances anyway, despite believing that no harm was done.
As a former Psych 1 student, I was not surprised by this interesting report. Many of the looniest people on campus could be found in the Psychology Department even then, though most of their yipping and yodeling took place behind closed doors, in the intervals between tormenting rats.

Advertisement
Advertise with NZME.
Advertisement
Advertise with NZME.
Save

    Share this article

Latest from Bay of Plenty Times

Bay of Plenty Times

$1m buyers crazy for Hare Krishna barn with cars in the lounge - 'my busiest open home in three years'

Bay of Plenty Times

'Sustained period of cruelty': Starship doctor slates child protection agency failings

Bay of Plenty Times

Mighty ponga trees save driver as car plunges towards stream


Sponsored

Solar bat monitors uncover secrets of Auckland’s night sky

Advertisement
Advertise with NZME.

Latest from Bay of Plenty Times

$1m buyers crazy for Hare Krishna barn with cars in the lounge - 'my busiest open home in three years'
Bay of Plenty Times

$1m buyers crazy for Hare Krishna barn with cars in the lounge - 'my busiest open home in three years'

Stunning Bay of Plenty home used to be a Hare Krishna workshop.

15 Jul 08:10 AM
'Sustained period of cruelty': Starship doctor slates child protection agency failings
Bay of Plenty Times

'Sustained period of cruelty': Starship doctor slates child protection agency failings

15 Jul 06:00 AM
Mighty ponga trees save driver as car plunges towards stream
Bay of Plenty Times

Mighty ponga trees save driver as car plunges towards stream

15 Jul 05:23 AM


Solar bat monitors uncover secrets of Auckland’s night sky
Sponsored

Solar bat monitors uncover secrets of Auckland’s night sky

06 Jul 09:47 PM
NZ Herald
  • About NZ Herald
  • Meet the journalists
  • Newsletters
  • Classifieds
  • Help & support
  • Contact us
  • House rules
  • Privacy Policy
  • Terms of use
  • Competition terms & conditions
  • Our use of AI
Subscriber Services
  • Bay of Plenty Times e-edition
  • Manage your print subscription
  • Manage your digital subscription
  • Subscribe to Herald Premium
  • Subscribe to the Bay of Plenty Times
  • Gift a subscription
  • Subscriber FAQs
  • Subscription terms & conditions
  • Promotions and subscriber benefits
NZME Network
  • Bay of Plenty Times
  • The New Zealand Herald
  • The Northland Age
  • The Northern Advocate
  • Waikato Herald
  • Rotorua Daily Post
  • Hawke's Bay Today
  • Whanganui Chronicle
  • Viva
  • NZ Listener
  • Newstalk ZB
  • BusinessDesk
  • OneRoof
  • Driven Car Guide
  • iHeart Radio
  • Restaurant Hub
NZME
  • About NZME
  • NZME careers
  • Advertise with NZME
  • Digital self-service advertising
  • Book your classified ad
  • Photo sales
  • NZME Events
  • © Copyright 2025 NZME Publishing Limited
TOP