Now for something completely different

By Kate Stewart

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SHAMEFUL: The war between the regime and rebels continues in Syria.
SHAMEFUL: The war between the regime and rebels continues in Syria.

At the risk of sounding like (or reading like) a broken record when it comes to the quality and content of our television news, I have decided to put my money where my keyboard is and demonstrate an alternative version that I feel will resonate better with "viewers".

I have endeavoured to attain the perfect balance of fact and feeling to keep it credible and, while my lack of professional credentials may be an issue, it also ensures that I am not an embedded journalist trying to pass off propaganda as truth.

For those of you who are familiar with my style of writing, it will come as no surprise that I've probably broken every rule in the book. But I am firmly of the opinion that it's better than the doctored, diluted drivel that is served up to us daily.

News with Views ... 15 seconds to air ... cue music ...

Good evening. A 73-year-old Napier, woman is in a serious but stable condition this evening after an horrific home invasion in the early hours of this morning.

The low-life scum is alleged to have entered the home by force before viciously attacking the defenceless victim in her sleep. This cowardly bully then went on to sexually assault the pensioner before making off with cash, credit cards and jewellery.

Here's hoping they catch the sicko and castrate him.

More civilian lives were lost today in Iraq ... nothing new in that.

Still operating on the basis that we are all stupid enough to believe in the "war against terror", the United States Army labelled the deaths as "unfortunate".

This latest incident is just plain embarrassing and shameful, coming on the back of a report where it was revealed that civilian deaths make up 90 per cent of all lives lost in this seemingly endless war that was orchestrated for profit and resources. It's enough to make one question who the real terrorists are ...

Meanwhile, political unrest continues in Syria, with the US and United Nations still standing by twiddling their thumbs.

Poor old Syria - if only they had coveted resources such as oil, troops would have been deployed in a nano-second and the aid would become a priority. Guess they drew the short straw there.

And in breaking news, Kanye West has complained about the quality of the toilet paper on board the Eurostar.

The 36-year-old singer voiced his displeasure at the "scratchy" loo roll provided on the train. Here's hoping it won't derail his career.

OMG ... I can't believe that this even rates as news. US rapper moans about crapper - whatever next?

The Greens are coming off as more like the Yellows in the lead-up to the election.

Last month, they revealed they would not be putting up a candidate in the Whanganui electorate and now it appears that the party has elected not to stand in Rangitikei either. Saying the electorate was a tough one to contest, you have to wonder how much belief the voter can have in the party when they don't even appear to have belief in themselves.

King David will be thrilled though - this decision by the Greens will surely benefit his party to some extent. He'll take votes wherever he can get them and then find a way to give himself the glory.

Finally, in sport, Brazil has become the first country to write a nationwide prescription for anti-depressants following the shock loss to Germany in the World Cup.

The country is said to be suffering a mourning of sorts, the pain described as akin to a kick in the balls. It's just a shame the balls weren't kicked into the goal.

Let's take a look at the weather now. Gone are the maps and fancy trappings - instead, we've decided to roll this giant dice. It's probably more accurate than any method we've tried thus far.

I'm Kate Stewart and this has been News with Views. Goodnight.

Kate Stewart is an unemployed, reluctant mother of three, with ambitions to be a newsreader - investik8@gmail.com

- WANGANUI CHRONICLE

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