It took over half a century, but the much predicted and feared Domino Effect has finally come to fruition ...
A somewhat hazy recollection of this domino business? Allow me ...
The Domino Effect was what spurred JFK, LBJ and Kiwi Keith - among others - to "guts up" and send the military into South Vietnam back in the sixties.
Their mission? To thwart evil Communists swooping down from the north like wolves on the fold. If left unchecked, the strategists warned, these heinous hordes would rampage through all southeast Asia, tipping successive countries over like collapsing dominoes. Yes, all the way to the last mini-domino of all - Stewart Island!
Despite the application of more explosive power than used in all other wars combined, despite millions killed or wounded the ungrateful Commies unceremoniously kicked out the Best of the West.
And though the West tried its best to destroy South Vietnam in order to save it, now that it is thoroughly Communist-raddled, we love the place - tourism, trade, you name it. Go figure.
But while it took a bit longer than anticipated, it seems Spiro Agnew and all those better-dead-than-red hawks were right. After a 55-year countdown, the domino hordes have crash-landed right into our living rooms - specifically, hordes of actual dominoes. They are plastic, probably made-in-China Communist ones - and my complaint is that I need more of the damn things.
I suspect others have been left short, too. These drat things were part of a promotion rewarding Countdown shoppers with gift dominoes featuring cute cartoon Disney characters. The sort of dominoes that could be used for wet Sunday afternoons when kids crave games of surrogate warfare. But the frustration of getting yet another double-two piece to go with the half-dozen you already have ...
Then they axed the promotion before many faithful shoppers had the full set. Now institutions are needed to accommodate all these orphaned dominoes, or else you have to bargain for missing pieces on Trade Me or at Swap-Meets, thus negating the original aim of scoring a free domino set.
And let's not mention the scary conspiracy theories. Some claim it's no coincidence the supermarket chain touting the dominoes is called Countdown - as in the 55-year countdown needed to finally achieve the true domino effect, the gradual conquest by imported cheap consumer goods, leaving local industry poleaxed.
Others claim it's an electronic invasion - that Countdown is a decoy company, set up solely to insinuate innocent-looking dominoes into Kiwi homes.
For why? Look closely at those mini Trojan Horses, they say. Do some feel suspiciously heavier, perhaps due to discrete surveillance devices tucked inside, with the convenient dots masking miniature microphones and lenses utilising a new technology called Dot Coms.
These are serious accusations. The callousness with which the promotion was suddenly terminated indicates fiends at work had perhaps decided sufficient surveillance penetration had been accomplished.
An investigation is in order. Although not by the SIS - who can trust an organisation which takes its oath of office on an ancient copy of Playboy? Nor the GCSB, who would just want to use our China free trade agreement to re-import mass information on Kiwis gathered by the Spy-Domino technology, without the need for paperwork.
But should an inquiry reveal a Great Countdown Communist Domino Conspiracy, all felonious dominoes will need to be recalled and house-to-house searches may be necessary.
By this time, our "guts-up" period of troops in Iraq will be completed, having enhanced NZ's main foreign policy objective - namely, to improve prime ministerial prospects for another round of golf with President Obama. Entering the "guts-down" phase will free up troops to help boost house-search capability. But all this will take time ... meanwhile, would anyone be keen on swapping a double-six for a five/two; a three/four for a double three; a six/five for a one/blank...