THIS morning I woke late. The first thing I noticed was both my forefingers were sore. It must have been because of my busy late night Tweeting.

In a way I was glad both fingers were sore as it reminded me that until last week I could only Tweet with one finger at a time. But then I realised I had to up my game, so I got special coaching to go for the double.

It's tough ... it reminds me of the pain I had with the bone spurs in my heel that tragically kept me out of the Marines when they were whupping those zipperheads in 'Nam, right up until those zipperheads kicked us out — which they wouldn't have been able to do if it wasn't for the bone spurs that kept me from being Commander General.

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My dad reckoned the US$100,000 he had to cough up for the bone spur specialist was a bit steep but, like I told him, doctors who can see things others doctors can't see deserve a special premium.

The second thing that happened this morning was that I broke wind. Luckily Melania wasn't in bed at the time ... well, she probably was in bed, but in her own bed way over in the-something-or-other wing.

In fact, I'm not even sure if her bed's actually in the White House. For all I know, it could be back in Bulgaria, or wherever it is she's from.

It's been a while since I've seen her. Maybe she's busy painting new messages on the back of her coat. Bulgarians are good at things like that.

Anyway, this morning's wind break was a real Commander in Chief's wind break. I doubt even Genghis Khan could have broken wind so bigly, and he was a man who knew his horses which, as we know, have natural flair in the breaking wind department.

In fact, the Guinness Book of Records people have already been in touch wanting to list it as the greatest bit of broken wind known to mankind. But I'm not interested in fame, even if it's true.

My priority now is to clear my head after that crummy G20 meeting. Geez, what a bunch of losers but, hey, whatever it takes to make America great again, right?

It's a hard ask when a Commander in Chief is distracted by a rag-tag train of riff-raff coming through Mexico wanting to trespass on land we legitimately stole off them. Just like Hawaii, which everybody knows is in Californian territorial waters. What a nerve!
Those deadbeats and rapists seem to think that being born in North America makes them North Americans.

But back to that G20 circus. All that the American people – except those from Mexico – need to know is that they're going to get the greatest deal the world has ever seen.

That Chinese guy – I forget his name – thinks he's tough, but let's see how his dumplings stack up when it really counts.

OK, so his people built a wall a while back. But his wall is only made from crummy stone, compared to my Mexican border wall – the greatest wall known to mankind - which is going to be built from some greatly excellent plastic products any day now.

Some haters say that the Chinese wall is 14,000 miles long, and mine is only going to be 2000, but a real McCoy American mile is worth a dozen cheap Chinese miles.

And, hey, that Chinese wall couldn't even keep Genghis Khan out. Genghis and his horses blew them away, so how does this new Chinese blowhard think he can keep great American products like my Make America Great Again cap out of China?

Funny, I've never noticed that little tag inside my cap before ... it says "Made in China".

That'll be Melania – she's always pulling little pranks like this. Those Bulgars really crack me up.