Judith: The world is a nasty, nasty place. Evil creeps in shadows. It crawls in darkness. But very, very little escapes my attention. My eyes have grown used to the dark.
Jan: Palmerston North is so, so friendly! "Hi, Jan!", people call out, as I stroll around the Massey University campus. I don't stop them, and say, "Actually I would rather you refer to me as Professor Thomas, or as Vice-Chancellor." I just wave back and get on with my day without a thought in my silly head.
Judith: I waited, and I waited, and I waited, and sure enough, I saw a very, very upsetting news story slither into view. The headline read, "France Passes Law Saying Children Can Consent To Sex With Adults."
Well, I hardly needed to read any more, so I took to Twitter and demanded that Jacinda Ardern denounce this sick legislation. God, I hate her.
Jan: Oh, my, God. This cannot be happening. This cannot be happening. I have been informed that Don Brash will be talking on campus.
Talking. Saying things. Expressing ideas.
Well, not on my patch. Not in Palmerston North. Not at Massey University. God, I hate ideas.
Judith: Simon wants a word. I daresay he's after some advice. Poor, simple Simon! He's got so much to learn.
Jan: The media want a word. How lovely! I take every opportunity to tell everyone that Massey University is a reputable and credible institution.
Judith: It'll all blow over. That's what I told Simon yesterday when he said it wasn't a good look I was tweeting a fake news story.
"It's not important," I said.
"It might help if you delete the tweet," he said.
"That would be a sign of weakness," I said.
He didn't know what to say to that. Poor, simple Simon!
Jan: It'll all blow over. That's what I told the board yesterday when they said it wasn't a good look I was banning someone from giving a speech.
"Plus there were security concerns," I said.
"But this is damaging our reputation," one of them said, "and Chris Gallavin, a senior academic at the University, has publicly denounced your decision as 'unequivocally wrong'."
I didn't know what to say to that.
Judith: I often retweet articles of interest. I don't have to agree with everything in those articles, otherwise, I would never tweet anything except my own stuff.
I've done nothing wrong. I want to be very, very clear about that, and I want to point out that I've been very, very consistent about that because at no time in my political career have I done anything wrong.
Jan: In my opinion, the views expressed by Dr Brash come dangerously close to hate speech. They are certainly not conducive to the university's strategy of recognising the values of a Tiriti o Waitangi-led organisation.
I've done nothing wrong. All I've done is express an opinion.
Judith: It's blown over, as I predicted. Good. I need to catch up on my paperwork. Right now I'm dealing with a very, very interesting email from a man in Nigeria who has run into difficulties with releasing $100 million in his bank account. I sense an opportunity!
Jan: It's blown over, as I predicted. Good. I need to catch up on my exercise. Right now I'm strolling around the Massey campus, but it's very strange. It's as though people are avoiding me. It's as though I'm a bad smell.