He ate my bloody prawns!
Comedian David Baddiel wonders what were the real reasons why people broke up with exes (as opposed to reasons given at the time) and these were the confessions:
1. I once broke up with a man because he tiptoed gingerly over a puddle.
2. I knew someone who broke up with his girlfriend as he didn't like the view from her kitchen window.
3. My ex ate food off my plate in a restaurant and when I remonstrated with him said, "Well I paid for it". That was it — he was gone. He ate my bloody prawns!
4. I once had to stop seeing a girl because her family's roast dinner was just plain chicken with plain veggies — no gravy, no salt, no pepper, nothing. And then she added ketchup. Now I'll basically eat out of a bin if I'm hungry, but I was still outraged.
5. I split up with a chap in my youth because he had fat hands. It was like holding a ski glove.
Unintentional home invasion ...
A reader writes: "In Whangarei in the 90s we also had an intruder on the couch, after he came in, turned on the TV, sat down and went to sleep. When he was woken he insisted that he had every right to be there as he was visiting his girlfriend. Unfortunately for him, the only female in the family was the 50-something wife and mother who was confronting him."
'Til dreams do us part
Jenna Evans had a dream that she and her fiance were on a train when bad guys appeared. To protect her new 2.4 carat engagement ring, she swallowed it. "I actually remember doing it, but I thought I was dreaming, so I went back to sleep ... I popped that sucker off, put it in my mouth and swallowed it with a glass of water," she wrote on Facebook. "The doctor ordered an x-ray and seemed pretty shocked when she walked back in with a second doctor and showed me that, sure enough, my ring was right there in my stomach!" Jenna then went to a specialist: "At this point, I could definitely feel it in my guts, it was starting to really hurt and make us nervous. They decided an upper endoscopy was just the thing and said, 'Don't worry its not big deal, but please sign this release form just in case you die'." In the end Jenna got her ring back and promised not to swallow it again.