As you know, it's my 27th birthday (this Sunday, in case you want to send me a gift) and to celebrate, my friends are throwing me a living funeral.
Don't worry, I promise this isn't an alarming cry for help. We've just come to the realisation that it's quite unfair that unless you're getting engaged, married, having a baby (shower), having a religious baby (christening), you miss out on a whole bunch of events where you get to be "The Star".
What you also miss out on is a whole bunch of free stuff.
You miss out on at least one gift registry where you get to choose your own lovely presents (wedding) and at least 76 other average gifts (engagement party, baby parties) which you could hypothetically then flog off as gifts for other people, saving you squillions.
Also - in between your 21st and 30th, no one really gives a s*** about your birthday - meaning there's a nine-year void where you don't get celebrated unless someone has deemed you marriage-material or you've gotten pregnant on purpose.
While a wedding-themed birthday party a'la Miss Havisham would possibly be the saddest event to ever occur, and a fake baby shower would be utterly cooked, let me sell you on a living funeral.
I totally understand living funes are usually something people do when they're terminally ill, but honestly, why wait to celebrate your friends' lives and tell them how much you love them?
Firstly, I promise I didn't come up with this bonkers idea on my own.
Morrie Schwartz, an American sociology professor, popularised the living fune after throwing his own "See ya!" shindig, raising the question as to why one should wait until he or she is dead to be appreciated.
"What a waste," he said. "All those people saying all those wonderful things, and I never got to hear any of it."
I truly couldn't agree more. Here are four reasons why:
1. You get to lie down on the living room floor while all your friends make speeches about how beloved you are.
You can absolutely justify getting a $50 Dry & Tea blow wave and new LBD. This is your Big Day honey, and there's no better cost per wear than the afterlife.
3. You get to listen to your favourite Adele playlist.
4. You can order one of those fancy Instagram platters which probably cost $3K even though we know it's just made of floury fruit, a bit of cheese and those Countdown oat crackers.
If however, a living fune is a little bit morbid for you because you're a normal person, might I suggest a wedding-fune hybrid event? You really can have the best of both worlds, Hannah Montana.
Chuck a Jane Yeh gown on Afterpay, order your favourite The Caker cake and glide like a swan into your birthday dinner to your favourite song while everyone stands and admires how beautiful you look tonight.