Muzza, Muzza, Muzza! Honk, honk, honk! Masterstroke, mate. Masterstroke. Shane Bloody Jones, High Commissioner for Pacific Fish.


Who's next? David Parker: special rapporteur for blogster bubbleology? David Shearer: NZ emissary for Indian Ocean ping detection? Judith Collins as state envoy for milk and scampi? Honk! Jokes, Crushie. Just jokes.

What a week. The loony left gelded again, deprived of their one red-blooded, straight-shooting MP who can truly connect with ordinary hard-drinking journalists. Enjoy it. Have a laugh, look, I am, ha ha ha - honk! - but remember to stay on message: Labour are tricky, the Greens are fruitloop extremists, and only a Key-Joyce ship can steer us to emotional surplus after nine long years of Labour-Green government.

Attached is a clip of JK on Campbell Live. Study it. A thing of beauty. That cossack Campbell was like a puppy frotting at your trouser leg, boss. Stunning eggs. That's what the focus groups are saying. Ingenious sleight of hand saying you want to do four terms, too. Throw them off the scent re the true succession plan, am I right? Am I?

All due respect

Party leader (strategy) S. Joyce



FW: RE: FW: RE: RE: RE: RE: election this year? PLEASE READ


The Jonesy departure is less than ideal, make no bones about that. But let us remain steadfast. When I said we'd hit rock-bottom last month, it's not that I was wrong, it's more that I was showing foresight. The only way from here is up. All to play for. Shane told me his decision was not about the party, but his heart was no longer one hundred per cent in it.

I respect Shane and wish him well, and this glass in my hand has shattered into 1000 pieces - anyone have a bandage?

Shane has given me an assurance that he is not a Chinese customs official. He told me his decision was not about our chances of winning, but his heart was no longer one thousand per cent in it.

Our lines on Jonesy's exit should be clear. Of course we foresaw this completely unexpected event. We will not be set back by this setback. Shane told me his decision was not about my leadership, but his heart was no longer eleventy million, etcetera.

Yes, bravehearts, we have lost one Harvard man, but the other stands before you, for I am Harvard and I am yours: an enemy of injustice wherever it rears its head, and that includes trucks holding up traffic in the fast lane in three-lane motorways. Ready for government.


P.S. Matt will shortly be sending out lines on Benji, Nigella, and the Greens. Is anyone on speaking terms with Winston?



RE: DPM, etc

A word on the deputy prime minister plan for the inevitable Green-Labour coalition. There will be four. The two co-leaders, plus one collective consciousness and another crowd-sourced from the internet.

Kia Kaha


P.S. Turns out the postmodern mollyhawk is mightier than the medieval mackerel, Jonesy. Go stick that on your fracking credit card, cobber.



BCC: >Shane<

RE: Winston Peters

The New Zealand First position could not be clearer. Our bottom line is we will not be supporting any party that fails to understand that we have been totally unambiguous and transparent, listen to this because this is important, that we could not be more explicit, that therewill be no wiffle-waffle and it's all there in our manifesto which commentators would be well advised to read. Wewill not waver for a moment from that course. With the greatest respect, whaton earth is wrong with you?


FROM: ><

TO: >PrebbsSeymourDMr Joyce<

RE: bam bam bam!

Wow! Three strikes for burglary worked a charm. We're on a roll, I feel alive again, like some modern-day Odysseus or Jon Bon Jovi. People clearly prefer this kind of policy to thoroughbred libertarian philosophy agonisingly crafted over decades. Burglar beware! Very heaven! I could see the terror in Epsom voters' eyes transmogrify into vengeance and delight even as I spoke. This is the power of the active state. More prisons. More police. More hospitals. More everything! Grow the government! Higher taxes! More borrowing! What does everyone think?

Love, Jamie

FROM: ><

TO: >Colin's Angels<

RE: Ideasies! LOL!

Hi! Loving the new Game of Thrones. But enough "small talk", because we've really fallen off the proverbial radar, and we need to do something to arouse the "fourth estate"! What if we all dressed up as kids with bowties like Peter Dunne on the steps of Parliament and toked chillums loaded with psychoactive substances? Yes? No? Brainjam my emailbox!!!

C&C Music Factory