Mark Weldon, CEO of MediaWorks:

Knock, knock.

John Key, Prime Minister of New Zealand: Who's there?

Rick Ellis, CEO of Te Papa: The barbarians at the gate.

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Key: Come in and make yourself comfortable.

Mike Hosking, presenter at Newstalk ZB: Good on ya, mate.

Weldon: I don't know why people are jumping up and down about Campbell Live, and saying that it's due to be axed. All we're doing is a review, with a view to replacing it with a soap opera.

Ellis: I don't know why people are jumping up and down about Te Papa Press, and saying that it's due to be axed. All we're doing is a review, with a view to suspending book publishing for at least the next four years.

Julie Christie, executive director of MediaWorks: Intellectuals read books.

Weldon: What's a book?

Ellis: I'm not entirely sure but there aren't many of them. I'm told that Te Papa published 12 titles during the 2013-2014 financial year.

Christie: How did they rate?

Ellis: I'm not entirely sure but I'm surprised that we employ four people to do it. I've no doubt they're very talented people with a lot to offer and I'd like to reassure these layabouts that we remain available to discuss any questions, concerns or alternative strategies which may influence our decision to get rid of them.

Julie Christie - intellectuals watch Campbell Live. Photo / Sarah Ivey
Julie Christie - intellectuals watch Campbell Live. Photo / Sarah Ivey

Weldon:

That's what I said to Campbell. I said to him, "Mate, it's all good. We'll invite you to a meeting, and we'll inform you that you can bring a support person so long as it's not Linda Clark."

Christie: She used to be on TV.

Weldon: Never again.

Hosking: I'm on TV.

Key: Good on ya, mate.

Ellis: I've been hearing a lot about this John Campbell. Who is he, anyway?

Weldon: Search me.

Key: I want that left-wing bastard gone.

Weldon: Done.

Mike Hosking - Good on ya, mate. Photo / David White
Mike Hosking - Good on ya, mate. Photo / David White

Todd Barclay, Member of Parliament for Clutha-Southland:

Oh, goodie! He seems like a thoroughly bad chap. Don't like his face. All those questions he asks! Not nice. Critical. Bad for New Zealand. Bad for the government. And as this is the first time anyone has heard from me since I was elected an MP, I'd like to conclude by making the very wise statement that there's no surprises it's only Labour Party MPs scrambling to keep

Campbell Live

running.

Christie: Intellectuals watch Campbell Live.

Key: At the end of the day it's an entertainment programme. That's why it's probably much better screened at the end of the day, say around midnight. There are a lot of very good entertainment options at that time, such as Vampire Diaries, Midsomer Murders, The Mentalist, infomercials, and repeats of Shortland Street on the Heartland channel.

Weldon: I can actually picture repeats of Campbell Live on the Heartland channel at midnight.

Barclay: Yes, but that's past my bedtime! Oh well. Because I'll forever be portrayed as a fairly pathetic little individual who worked for a tobacco company, I'd like to take this opportunity to ask if anyone wants a cigarette?

Todd Barclay - cigarette, anyone?
Todd Barclay - cigarette, anyone?

Bill Ralston, National Party operative:

Yes, please, but I'd like to take this opportunity to say that any suggestion that somehow the evil machinations of government are responsible for the proposed axing of Campbell Live is purely social media madness.

Weldon: I agree.

Ellis: As do I.

Christie: Intellectuals take to social media.

Key: Look, my understanding is that Campbell Live has been rating poorly for quite a while, and we live in a world where it's largely about commercial returns.

Weldon: I live in that world.

Ellis: As do I.

Christie: It's an awesome world.

Key: I am that world.

Hosking: Good on ya, mate.

Debate on this article is now closed.