I know it has been a while since I last wrote but I have been a very good boy this year and am hoping you can help.
I know you are everywhere Santa and you know who is telling fibs so I will admit to trying to be a little bit, er, naughty at least once. You'll probably already know Mrs P slapped my hand, told me to leave her alone and not be such a silly old sod.
In our house the traditions of Christmas are under threat and I need your help.
The Boomerang Child, she's the one that always comes back, and her bloke Builder Boy, are coming to us for Christmas.
Read more: Kevin Page: Now how did that fridge end up on top of me you might ask?
Mrs P goes shopping and Kevin Page returns the favour
Kevin Page: A bedazzled agent has fallen for the brother-in-law's good looks, apparently...
She came over the other day and sat down with her Mum to talk about it.
Naturally, it being a Sunday afternoon and me having been up all night watching the rugby and keeping up my fluid intake (ahem), I was dozing on the couch. But I could hear them hatching a plan.
I was rather hoping they would discuss my Christmas present - I would like a box of golf balls and a bottle of gin by the way - but the discussion was mainly over what we are going to have for lunch.
And that's the problem - you may need to sit down in the snow for this bit Santa - there is talk we may not have any turkey!
This is because ever since she did that yoga course, travelled throughout India and became vegetarian the Boomerang Child has become, well, a "happy, hippy vego" I suppose you'd call it.
Naturally my kids get my love and support in whatever path their lives lead them. But I'm not sure I can do without my turkey.
OK, as you know, we have gone away from the big old bird of yesteryear to a now more sensible, rolled thing which we get off the butcher. Have to be honest its quite tasty and definitely easier to carve, especially when you've got two or three gin and tonics on board already.
But the point is Santa, there's talk we may not have any at all. As I say I'd had a big night and was a bit fuzzy but I'm sure I heard them talking about making up some nutty, vegan, mock roll thing instead.
I know! At Christmas for goodness sake.
Obviously we can't allow this to happen.
OK, I suppose at a pinch, I could make do with half a dozen slices of turkey from Pak'nSave to get me through the festive season. It would certainly be cheaper. But I think a better solution would be for you to get involved Santa and get our laws changed to make turkey mandatory.
Better still let's get the Government to subsidise a turkey for every family nosh up.
All you'd need to do Santa is get in touch with that lady who runs the country and smiles a lot.
You know the one I mean. She's not long had that little baby girl and will be wanting some pressies left under the tree for her, it being her first Christmas as a mum and all that.
It would be a simple discussion Santa.
Maybe something along the lines of "No turkey for the nation, no presents for baby" if you get my drift.
Anyway Santa, must dash. I'm making the editor a very special Christmas present in the hope of getting a pay rise next year and I've got to polish the feet of the winged gods on the marble statue.
Love from Kevin Page, aged 55 and three quarters.
PS: If I can't have golf balls and a bottle of gin could I have an Angelina Jolie calendar instead. And world peace.
■ Kevin Page is a teller of tall tales with a firm belief too much serious news gives you frown lines. Feel free to share stories to firstname.lastname@example.org .