People, I've observed from an acceptable social distance, cope with being stuck in lockdown in different ways. Some take up a new hobby. Some exercise more. Some pour an extra glass of wine each night.
Me? I've discovered I have a tendency to make things just that little bit more miserable for myself.
Look, I have no good reason or rationale as to why I decided to watch Rob Schneider's new comedy special the other night. That's because there isn't one. All there is, are questions.
Why did I sit down, flick on Netflix and decide Rob Schneider: Asian Momma, Mexican Kids would be the thing I would watch? What series of unfortunate events that day led to this decision? And, if this is the result of my decision making process then can I be trusted to make decisions of any kind?
Do I actually need a life coach?
Maybe. Because this isn't even the worst part. Oh no. The worst part, ladies and gentlemen, was that I laughed. I laughed at Rob Schneider's stand-up comedy. That's not a sentence you hear people say every day. Or ever.
Maybe it's not a life coach I need maybe it's shock bloody therapy because something has clearly gone haywire in the ol' noggin.
But before the men in white coats are called to take me away (ha-haaa, ho-ho, hee-hee) let me clarify a few things.
When I say I "laughed," it's important to understand I wasn't rolling on the floor, howling with laughter and slapping my knees as tears rolled down my face. I kinda went, 'heh' out loud a couple of times.
"I saw these old guys working out at the gym. They were ripped but it looked weird. I don't want to get ripped. I just don't want to look like a complete piece of s**t," he said early on after revealing his wife had got him a gym membership as a present.
Heh. That was kinda funny. Relatable, as I don't want to look like s**t either.
"My wife threw away all my sweatpants," he continued. "I asked why? She said, 'They lie to you, sweatpants. You don't know how fat you're getting."
Heh. That was kinda funny. Relatable, as I was wearing sweatpants at the time despite having undertook no activity whatsoever at any point in the day that would have led to a breakout of sweat.
"This is my third marriage. I don't want to be divorced again. I've got to make this marriage work," he continued. "Because I really like my house."
Heh? This wasn't so relatable. It was old and outdated. Do jokes get any older than, 'take my wife, please!'.
Yes, they do. Because after warming up Schneider began busting out the racist impersonations. Not too surprising considering that in his seemingly compulsory cameo appearance in every Adam Sandler film he mugs his way through some stereotype or another. Here, he offered exaggerated or offensive Mexican, Korean and Chinese accents.
"That's not racist," he argued after a bit that saw him as a Chinese restaurateur literally hitting the words 'Beef with oyster sauce," out of his mouth. "That's accurate."
Hmmm.. I'm not so sure about that. And is it made better or worse when Schneider reveals his mother is Filipino?
"I'm Asian, but I'm not Asian enough where it can help me these days," he grouses. Does this mean he gets a pass? Because I'm pretty sure that's not how it works.
Moving on we then entered the 'men are from Mars, women are from Venus," part of the show. As a pianist played softly behind him I learnt that in life men are looking for sex and women are looking for - wait for it - relationships.
Revelatory stuff. But was it funny? No. Maybe in the 80s he coulda got away with this stuff but wife jokes, race jokes, 'men like sex' jokes... come on. These are so antiquated they should all be on display in a museum. Somewhere near the back.
Remarkably this is Schneider's first comedy special. He's been around so long I just assumed he'd have a couple out by now. Certainly, the material here feels like it should have come out a couple of decades ago.
More than anything Schneider feels like a comic out of time. And while he hits the odd laugh here and there the comedy world has mostly moved on from this brand of questionable ethnic caricatures and spousal humour.
Still, I can't blame Schneider for being Schneider. I'm the one who pressed play, the one who should have known better. Really, the joke's on me.