I'm relatively new to the dating app thing. I was in long-term relationships when they first came along so I never needed to get involved, and to be honest, I'm much better at meeting humans in the flesh.

But I was intrigued by the depth of hilarity in my girls' group chats about the goings on in the world of Bumble (or Tinder, or whatever your app of preference is), so on one mad Sunday morning I took the leap and signed up for Bumble myself.

What an utter disappointment. Yet at the same time, a source of unbelievable entertainment at the expense of others. Cruel, I know. But you know what, in the interests of raising the overall level of quality I'm going to give y'all a few pointers on how to take your Bumble game to the next level.

My writing this piece was not a popular call amongst my friends. One of them asked, "Do you really want to educate the mouth breathers how to slip by women's early warning systems by making better profiles?"

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Yes. I want to help you. Help you help us make better-swiping decisions. So without further ado, I give you the 12 Commandments of Bumble.

1. The fish pic

Fish of any description should never be your primary picture. I'm not here to see a fish. You'd be surprised just how many men think this is an appropriate strategy for luring a woman.

We're not fish, alright. You can't just chuck a lure out and reel us in. And if you could, the lure should not be a picture of you holding a fish. I would say probably 60 per cent of all men on Bumble have a picture of themselves, sunburnt and sweaty, wearing terrible sunnies, holding a newly dead fish. Possibly not even legal size. Mate, the hunter-gatherer times have long been and gone.

I can sort a fish of my own if I want to. I'd rather see what your face is like underneath those Dirty Dogs...or do I?? Also, people who fish are up there with people who golf in terms of hours spent away doing boring shit, and I'm just not that interested in dating someone like that.

2. "Kids not mine"

Ok. I get this. You don't want a prospective partner to think you have kids because a) you don't want to be seen as a liability and b) you don't want to attract a clucky baby-maker. In that case, why choose a pic of you with a baby?

Are you actually subversively trying to reel in a breeder? And if so, why not just be straight up about it? We can see what you're doing here. Just be open about. You want babies. That's ok, don't hide it.

3. "Not here for drama"

Ah, this old chestnut. You're a damaged human being with a serious axe to grind. I can't tell you just how off-putting this one is. Probably the most vagina-drying phrase of all.

What this says is that you've had a crazy ex, who turned you crazy also, and the pair of you are just crazy for each other still. Darling, I hate to break it to you, but if you're saying this, you ARE the drama.

4. You went to the "school of hard knocks"

So you've listed your education as being at the 'school of hard knocks'. Oh, please, tell me more about how bitter and emotionally unavailable you are. If this is you, I recommend booking several sessions with a therapist near you, immediately.

Anyone dumb enough to date a dude who says they've been to the "school of hard knocks" is about to get a lesson in exactly that. Avoid at all costs.

5. Low res group photos

In this day and age of smartphones, how the flaming hell can you not take a decent photo of yourself? I don't want to see some blurry, cropped, or even worse, a GROUP photo where I can't even tell which is you.

You or one of your mates surely has an iPhone 8 with the good portrait mode. Do yourself a favour and snap a good pic of yourself smiling, looking sane, with no sunnies on. Which leads me to the next point...

6. Every single photo in sunnies and/or hat

This says you're clearly unhappy with your face. That's it. If you want to come across like an insecure weirdo, be sure to throw up six photos of you in the same sunnies. Or hat.

This is the equivalent of chicks with filters. The hoe filter ain't fooling anyone, lady. In fact, it's a red flag for anyone trying to work out if you're hot or not. Most likely not. Be confident, be true. A big smile, showing happiness and confidence is hot.

7. "I like travel! Adventure!"

No sh*t. Who doesn't like these things? Use your limited word count to show a little more personality than this. You might as well say - "I like humans! And food!" We all do.

8. Hugging drugged animals in Thailand

Yuck. It's 2018. Have you not realised the conditions and circumstances in which those animals are acquired and kept in? It makes my stomach churn. I could never date someone who doesn't respect wildlife.

There is an alarming number of people with pictures of themselves with monkeys chained by the ankles or crouching beside lethargic tigers in crowded tourist hotspots. Don't be that guy.

9. Say something. Anything!

A word - any single word - is better than none. It says more about you to have zero words than any photos you post.

You could be a gush-worthy supermodel with a rock-hard 72 pack but if you have no description, you're an automatic f*** boy.

10. Tell me more...

If you have them, connect your Spotify & Instagram accounts to allow me to make further judgements and to enable deeper stalking. I want to know what you're really like, and your music choices say a lot about you. I'm not ashamed of my own - that's just who I am.

11. Check your spelling and grammar, or just say it with emojis

Please. Check your spelling and grammar. People will forgive you for mistakes in your chat, but not when you've had time to think about it and proofread a million times.

Get a mate to look at it for you. Your mum. Whoever. You need a second set of eyes on this.

12. Don't lie

Don't lie about your age (or anything else for that matter). Don't waste someone's time by straight up lying. You'll have to come clean or you'll be found out at some point anyway, so just be honest.

So that's the basics of pimping your Bumble profile. Don't say I don't ever give you anything. Go forth and slay out there, darlings!

Stay sexy,

Lady A x