How much do you love the Queen? This is a serious question. I am serious. A test of loyalty to our Queen is nigh.
I love the Queen dearly, as if she were my own grandmother but even I questioned the latest job vacancy at Buckingham Palace.
Throw me in the Tower and feed the key to Prince Andrew, because this is where I draw the line: I would not be the Royal Shoe Breaker-Inner.
According to the Standard, the Queen has hired such a Royal Shoe Breaker-Inner: someone to walk around the palace's hallowed hallways every time she gets a new pair of kicks, in order to prevent royal blisters from forming, reported the Daily Telegraph.
A footman, if you will. Or footwoman. Plastering up your broken flesh with Boots' finest wouldn't be very regal, after all.
I have just spent plenty of time reading conjecture about the Queen's shoe size, and at risk of depriving you of the chance to take this journey for yourself - I apologise! - she is a size 4.
So: A wearer of size 4 feet (who are you? If you are reading, make yourself known) has been hired for the task.
At this very moment, this humble, honourable creature, by now half-woman, half-heel sore, could already be tramping around the drawing room in the Queen's favourite £1,000 ($1800) patent leather Anello & Davides. Soft yet? Good. Here's another pair.
Given that the nature of the job may require people with fully-functioning tootsies to step into the breach at a moment's notice, what credentials might the ideal applicant require?
Luckily, we have obtained the job advertisement they last used. Peruse it thoroughly, and next time the position opens up, you will be what they call a shoo-in.
Royal shoe breaker-inner. No, really! This is legit! Keep reading!
Competitive. Have you been a shoe breaker-inner before? No? Then why do you think you should start your career at Buckingham Palace? This should be the culmination of your career. You will be the envy of millions. Go to shoe-breaker-inner college and do the time.
Buckingham Palace. Up the stairs, down the corridors, around the garden. You might say you will be following in the Queen's footsteps.
You need to have broken in some tough shoes. I am not talking slippers. I am talking pointy-toed patent leather stilettos, taken out of the box and then worn for the duration of a 48-hour shift on a farmyard.
Are you tough as old boots? You must be tougher. You must be older and tougher than tough old boots. And you must be size 4. This is important.
Warning: Must not have smelly feet. This is very important.