Ellie Goulding, Sofia Vergara and Ariana Grande announce splits: Here’s eight small signs that pose big problems for a marriage

Sofia Vergara and partner Joe Manganiello have split after 7 years together. Photo /Getty

OPINION

We used to talk about the seven-year itch and now – with the news that Ellie Goulding and Caspar Jopling’s four-year marriage is on the rocks – we may have to add the four-year funk to the list of crisis points that a marriage must weather if it’s to survive. The big ones are well documented – empty nest blues, sandwich generation stress etc – but it’s really the small ones, the ones that chip away over the years – that we need to be aware of. Here are a few of them:

The selfish purchase

This is particularly dangerous in the earlyish days of marriage when you still sometimes find it alarming that your fortunes are inextricably linked and then, into the middle of your subliminal anxieties, drops a giant selfish purchase bomb. Could be a car. Could be a boat. Could be a small hut - it’s always something along those lines. Later on in the marriage you might put this down to midlife crisis behaviour, if you were being generous, but that wouldn’t help much.

The unanswered phone call

Sounds like a small thing but if you know in your heart that your name has flashed up on the screen and the person to whom you are married for life has ignored the call because they hate you a bit at that moment (and to be fair you were only ringing to give them extra, last-word-in-the argument hell) it’s a small crisis.

The bad company crisis

Also an early days crisis, this is when one of you discovers that the other one has a couple of old friends who are the absolute pits and they just can’t see it. This is a complicated one to resolve: will you respect them for dumping their old friends? Yes you will.

The sex drought crisis

Could be serious or could be a misunderstanding arising from a particularly stressful stretch of life when both of you thought the other one couldn’t possibly be in the mood.

The opposite opinion crisis

Apparently it’s possible to be married to someone who voted Brexit when you didn’t, but it’s hard to get your head around a difference of opinion on matters close to your heart. What if you discover that you’re married to someone who watches football on his phone during the Nimrod bit of the Coronation (this didn’t happen don’t worry); or who doesn’t ‘get’ Peep Show; or who doesn’t see the point of dogs (none of these happened. These are deal breakers).

The Tsunami moment

You find yourself in a crisis situation where your lives are not at risk but if they were you get the very strong sensation that you would be stuffed. Around the time of the Tsunami a lot of couples experienced Tsunami marital stress because a lot of women were thinking – Blimey, there is No Way he’d have tied us all to a palm tree – and a lot of men were thinking – Christ, I wouldn’t have a clue. This one is a rolling repeat crisis since it recurs every time there’s a ferry disaster, car sinking in water etc.

The going outside the relationship crisis

We’re not talking about infidelity here, but something almost as damaging – seeking an opinion on something important and personal from another party. Gillian, what would you do with the kitchen? Anna, what do you think our daughter needs? Out of the way while I get Caroline to read my first draft of this wedding speech. Much rowing back needed from this one.

The disastrous shop

This sounds trivial but if you are relying on someone to do something for you and they fail to complete this simple task on your behalf, leaving you no time to sort it out, it does have a profound impact. You develop trust issues. And micromanagement issues. And you may become one of those “Oh I’ll just do it myself” people, who looks from the outside like a terrible harridan when in fact you are someone who has been let down in the past by a disastrous shop.