Key Points:

Soldiers know what the word means. They've got to or they wouldn't be soldiers any more.

They know when they hear it they must take cover. Now!!!! Because someone with keener ears has heard the distant whistle of shells, bombs, rockets or mortars.

Well, folks, don't say you haven't been warned.

"INCOMING!!!!!!!!" See, like it or not, we're soldiers, too.

In a different kind of war, mayhap, but one no less fierce for the fact that its territory is intangible.

There's an enemy within, dear friends, an army of doctrinaire wowsers ready to attack our peace of mind. Dour, dull, sullen and sour, they're determined to fly their prim and proper flag not just upon the harbour bridge but all over Outer Roa.

And, lo and behold, just two weeks into a brand new year, untrammelled with angst, we're under fire already. The wittering wowsers have launched a sneak attack.

It's all to do with the telly. Or, more precisely, our fondness for watching it. Which we're doing far too much, it seems, at least according to those who know far much more than we do.

The trigger for their attitudinal ambush is a survey indicating the average Kiwi, whoever he or she may be, watched, "Omigosh, tear down the aerial, Mildred", three shocking hours of telly every dreadful day!!!

Now, we simple sods may meekly say that doesn't seem excessive. Three hours telly viewing still leaves 21 for eating, sleeping, bonking, reading, shaving and the growing of vegetables, not to mention vespers, ablutions and a brisk walk around the block with the new Labradoodle.

Moreover, there's no immutable law making television, of itself, a demon to be shunned. We can't blame Logie Baird for Shortland Street - or its careless theft of childhood innocence - any more than we can blame Gutenberg for How To Make Anthrax manuals or the published rantings of Osama bin Laden.

Television and print are just ways people convey information and entertainment to other people. Or so we simple folk assume. But that only demonstrates how gormless we are - at least in the opinion of one Lee Sturgess, Commander-in-Chief of the very grandly named (and probably fictitious) Obesity Action Coalition.

Clearly a champion of dietary temperance, Ms Sturgess was swift and stern in her public condemnation of our televisual addictions. Which were, in her view, certain to make worse the "obesity epidemic" her coalition is committed to attack.

Particularly since, she said, in addition to the dreaded three hours per day of slothful viewing there had been, shock, horror, "an increase in junk food advertisements." Oh, for pity's sake, madam, this is piffle! Unmitigated piffle! And we know it's piffle, ma'am. We know it!!!

We may not be GI's, Ms Sturgess, but we are GO's" and it's time we nailed our colours to the mast.

There's no such thing as "junk food," petal. It doesn't exist. "Junk food" is an invention, Ms Sturgess, a perjorative label that doesn't contribute to rational debate but precludes it.

We wouldn't tolerate such self-righteous stigmatising in the context of culture or race and we shouldn't tolerate it in respect of innocent foodstuffs either, especially since there isn't a legume among them able to defend itself.

For what it's worth, Ms OAC, there's nothing wrong with a humble burger - whoever makes it. A burger's contents are positively biblical; bread, meat (or fish), cheese, vegetables and fruit - assuming it contains tomato.

And that is not "junk food," m'dear. Nor is icecream, chocolate, all things derived from potatoes or any other consumable for that matter.

There's no such thing as "junk food", Ms Sturgess. Only foods that give us more or less nutrition or more or less energy or more or less protein or whatever, as the case may be.

So we will defend our right to scoff what we wish, you hear, no matter how savagely you attack our foodifications.

We will fight to the last gulp and the last gasp, Ms Sturgess. We will fight to the last quaff and scoff and until our guzzles melt. We've spent nine long years and more fighting your heavy brigades and we will never surrender!!!!!

We will eat peaches and figs and chocolate almonds and Toffee Pops and Mallowpuffs and liquorice and walnuts and fried chicken and chips and pomegranates and passionfruit and Jelly Tips and Magnums and even Big Macs (washed down with a coke or a coffee) as we chews!

Do you read us, Ms Sturgess?!?!

You should. You should understand that "junk food" doesn't exist. There may be junk diets, but that's a different matter.

And if there are junk diets, then it's our fault, not the food's. Say that and we may listen.

But until you do, we won't. We'll just pick up our gums and fight!!! All you'll hear from us is the new version, our version of that classic call to arms which has echoed through the ages wherever heroes stand: "Don't shoot till you see the whites of their sighs!!!"