The inspiration for this week's piece comes from a Mrs D utterance which was prompted by something on TV.
I was lucky to get it because it related to a commercial and Mrs D has usually pounced on the remote and pressed the mute button within nanoseconds of a commercial break starting. If the remote happens to be on the other side of the room there is a whooshing sound as a blurred shape zooms across the void to retrieve the escape device.
So, it was her uncharacteristic lethargy on this occasion which landed me the line, "How can anyone use such an excited voice to talk about analgesics?"
I presumed it was rhetorical so didn't bother answering. But it did set me off on a research trail.
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Analgesics might inspire a hopeful or relieved voice but excited? An excited voice would be used for something like winning the lottery, passing exams with flying colours or learning that Donald Trump had a new hairstyle.
In fact I think both Trump and Boris Johnson should work together on this one and surprise the world by both getting a mullet on the same day. But I digress.
I decided I would explore "exciting" claims from the medical world.
One was headlined, "The Hollywood Celebrity weight loss trick no one will tell you about." Except, obviously, the writer of those words who is going to tell you all about the trick if you are willing to endure a video which lasts as long as Gone with the Wind but lacks the big-name actors.
Another. "Diabetic? Eat this one food immediately." Beside it was a picture of a double-cheeked tomato resembling red buttocks. Tomato couldn't be the food! That was too obvious! Surely you would need to watch a video longer than The Attack of the Killer Tomatoes to learn in the very last seconds that the secret food was actually red herring.
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This one is for those with toenail fungus. "Inspiring. This woman relieves her toenail fungus in 10 minutes. Watch now."
The illustration to lure you into watching yet another interminable video was a picture of a foot in a bowl of amber fluid. Only after watching 179 minutes of footage would you learn that amber fluid was not the secret. I, unfortunately, am not at liberty to tell you what it actually was or I would need to self-destruct within 30 seconds.
Hair loss your problem? "Mix this herb with your drink to regrow lost hair." The illustration is a drawing of a man having what looks like a lime drink.
"Natural treatment to improve sugar balance. Watch surprising video." The not-so-enticing illustration here was a photo of a drop of blood seeping from a finger. Lurking in the wings was a blood-sugar measuring strip.
I'm afraid I didn't watch the "surprising video" but I would be surprised if it came in under 90 minutes.
Perhaps the most puzzling was the picture beside, "How you can improve your vision with this simple trick." The photo showed a woman resting her eyebrows on some sort of upturned blue plastic divining stick which I'm sure could be yours for 30 days' trial for $19.99 (plus postage and handling) and if you were one of the first 30 to order you would also get a free set of steak knives.
Beside a heading, "Toxic joint pain foods" was a picture of a boiled egg so I assume googies are out.
If I had the time to spend watching footage I could also pass on to you "the best lotion for crepey skin" but the accompanying photo of sagging crepey skin sent me hurrying off in another direction.
I hope I haven't used an excited tone in reporting these. If I have enticed you to search any of them, I sincerely apologise.
Wyn Drabble is a teacher of English, a writer, musician and public speaker.