No place for Pam to frolic

Prime's latest reality show turns Muriwai into a pretty grim stretch of sand. Photo / Supplied

There is something strange about Prime TV's new series, Danger Beach: Muriwai. I mean, if you're going to make a reality TV programme about surf lifesavers, surely there would be a little voice in the back of your head that whispers "Pamela Anderson, the Hoff, Carmen Electra, red swimming costumes, cheesy cock-rock ballads".
But no. There are no fruity girls and certainly no gratuitous slow-mo Baywatch beach runs at Muriwai, or "Mm-you-ree-why", as it is carefully pronounced in the voiceover by Paul Casserly.

It is midsummer but at Muriwai there doesn't even seem to be any sun. This must be the grimmest beach in the world: they could rename the show Gothic Beach. No one seems to frolic happily in the waves. Instead, we get what look like offcuts from the Million Dollar Catch, all "treacherous waters, notorious rocks, rogue waves, daredevil fishermen".

So far there are no sharks but there are - dun, dun-dun-dun - something even worse: auditors.

"For the lifeguards, tension is high. The patrol auditors are here to make sure they are meeting standards."

I thought being a surf lifesaver was sort of a hedonistic, laid-back surfer dude thing to do. Fail. It is fraught.

"Everybody here knows something can go wrong. For the rookies the danger is real."

And that is just in a pretend rescue for the auditors, carried out with aplomb by surf team pin-up Brad McConnochie.

When there is a real drowning victim to rescue, things are even more angsty. And this is not even a reality TV beat-up. As the lifesavers' jetski capsizes in huge 6m swells, you do think the danger aspect has not been overstated.

It looks freakishly frightening out there. A later episode will cover the tragic death of rising rugby league star Sonny Fai and the dramatic rescue attempts to save him. You're not chilling out in happy California now, you're on Auckland's wild west coast. They breed 'em tough out here.

The lack of visible emotion from the participants does make it hard for the programme-makers to build a narrative, though. When a young boy is rescued, he is in mortal danger of "secondary drowning". We know this because when asked how he is, he mutters blandly "bad". The lad's dreadlocked father arrives and is "hugely grateful", according to the voiceover. We know this because he says "thank you very much".

Of course the programme-makers must work with the material they are given. There may be no bikini beach candy, but the lifesavers are the platonic ideal of the taciturn stoic Kiwi bloke. And surf lifesaving brothers and Dave and Chris Butt are gold. "I hated going in the water when I was younger, but as I got older I toughened up a bit," says Chris.

In Danger Beach, Kiwi understatement is employed to elegant effect. What's the surf lifesavers' job? "To make sure no one drowns." Actually, David Hasselhoff might well say the same thing.

*Danger Beach: Muriwai debuts on Prime, Tuesday at 8pm.