KAPAI'S CORNER: Column

There's a lot to be learned from a decent dunny
Have you ever been in a situation where you needed to get to a toilet - any toilet and real fast?
Ever have been caught with your pants down - and couldn't find a decent dunny anywhere in town? Then cross your legs no more.
Just when you thought every calendar had been covered for your Christmas stocking shopping list, along comes "Toilets of Tauranga".
Word has it there is a top 10 toilet list as well being downloaded to Facebook with panoramic pictures of the poo ponds at sunset.
Plus handy hints on what to look out for when loitering toilet dwellers get too close for comfort.
This could be life saving as we all have encountered them at some time in a public toilet, creeping around in the next stall quieter than a stunned mullet, laying less cable than an unemployed Telecom worker.
For my two bobs' worth of lavatories and long drops there is a lot to be learned from a decent dunny.
I remember my first trip overseas as a teenager, landing in Bahrain and needing to jettison a bit of cargo courtesy of in-flight catering.
My swift shuffle into the airport restroom was not what a teenager from Tauranga had been toilet trained for.
The throne I was looking to sit on was like the opening scene to the film Slumdog Millionaire and my immediate exit was quicker than a Bombay curry after a couple of cold beers.
No one had warned me about the small slot in the floor and the bucket of water in Middle Eastern toilets.
When I walked in and saw squatting men in long white robes, all lined up like weightlifters about to push for gold, it was too much for me. As for toilet paper, that's why they only eat their kai with their left hand, hence the bucket of water.
But there have been some beauty bathrooms that rate better than Bombay or Bahrain on my own restroom calendar.
The Cavern Club in Liverpool where the Beatles first gigged was one of them.
The uniqueness of these Liverpool loos was not because they were unisex but because of the wall to wall mirrors that were used for much more than lippy and skirt straightening.
The casinos of Nevada had cool water closets with hot towels and a shoe shine man who would offer you aftershave for a koha (tip).
Being invited to take a dump was beyond belief but in China that was exactly what you are invited to do.
Sadly not all of the toilet stories of Tauranga have a happy history.
Back in the dark days of them and us, Maori women were not welcome in the only downtown public restroom and the closest was a whare up on Devonport Rd, well known for offering their home as a restroom refuge.
Thankfully, we have come a long way from those dark days when my mothers' generation endured the indignant humiliation of a Pakeha-only wharepaku (toilet).
So where are the top toilets of Tauranga today?
Locally, the top toilet for me is at the Cafe Bravo in the Red Square, followed closely by the Rialto Theatre.
One to drop into could be the tres bien Cafe Yellow, opening today in the Piccadilly Arcade.
Will they or won't they have a bidet in their bathroom?
The flashest wharepaku for me are at Whetu Marae and one of the first items on the Treaty settlement shopping list should be tu meke toilets for all of our marae.
What wasn't flash when I remember back to the good old days of long drops and long strips of newspaper was when the Aussies started singing about the red-back spider on the toilet seat. Trust them sheet stirrers to take toilet humour to another level.
Mind you, Benji and his boys beat the crap out of them on Saturday night and the look afterwards in the Roos' dressing room was colder than the stainless steel seats we still have to endure at some of our own public toilets in Tauranga.
Next time you need to go quicker than Dover outside his hotel room door, log on to your Toilets of Tauranga website - or consult your calendar.
A calendar if you haven't worked it out by now is just a load of luggage.
Like the lot I left behind in Bahrain.
broblack@xtra.co.nz