Family Matters - By Jude Dobson

With Father's Day on Sunday September 2, let's dwell on the good fathers in this country, since often the only media coverage given to dads is, sadly, when some of them are being anything but good. Good is a word I often avoid it sounds prissy, loaded and almost unobtainable. Who's good all the time, anyway? I don't know anyone who is, so my definition of being a "good" parent is "good enough", with marks for effort. Specifically, you consciously try to be as good as you can, but the human condition being what it is, that's not always a 24/7 state of affairs. However, the intention means that for much of the time you're not flunking parenting 101. So let's talk about the good dads. Dads are incredibly important people, and the effect of a good one on the next generation and beyond is really quite stunning. Apart from the obvious positive effect of being there for your kids, how dads relate to their children's mum, is the behaviour their children will subconsciously learn, accept as their reality, then copy as they grow old enough to form their own relationships with the opposite sex. Why do girls end up marrying someone like their father? Why do abusive relationships continue generation after generation? Why do you open your mouth and hear your father's voice come out? When good dads are involved with their children, those children have better self-esteem, fewer behavioral problems, more chances to experience success, better relationships with family and friends, they learn better and have more success at school. Dads are different; they do stuff that mums don't. They throw babies in the air, they play-fight on the lounge floor, they tolerate less crap from the kids. Also, according to Celia Lashlie, author of He'll be Okay: growing gorgeous boys into good men, they are vitally positive influences on teenage boys. Psychologist Steve Biddulph also says it as plain as day in his books: children need their dads. They are male role model seeking missiles. Steve and Celia primarily extol the needs of boys, but girls also need good dads, the kind who are simply respectful to their wives and to their daughters, instilling a great sense of self, safety and warmth. Waitakere City gets the bouquet this year with their Focus on Fathering Week, which runs from August 27th to September 2nd. There are myriad activities out West that celebrate fatherhood. Email them at: info@waitakere.govt.nz. I did a couple of stories out that way a few years ago. One was on the Man Alive scheme in which we followed a group of fathers and sons on a cave weekend adventure. The young ones and their dads came back brimming with mateship after they'd got off the treadmill of regular life for a day or two. We also did a story on the Big Buddy scheme. Boys who don't have a male role model in their lives can effectively borrow one. This long-term relationship has a profoundly wonderful effect on the big and the little buddy. Both organisations are involved in the Waitakere week. In fact, I'll leave the last word to Richard Aston, chief executive of Big Buddy. "Fathers, stepfathers, grandfathers, uncles, mentors, they are all part of the spectrum of fathering, and fathering is simply men taking a caring interest in the younger ones of our communities. In this busy, complicated world we may have forgotten the simple act of caring that is fathering. So, go to it dads, and this Father's Day have a think about how important you really are to your kids."