Bitchin' Channels

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Paul Casserly: TV's best quotes

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Foul mouthed celebrity chef Gordon Ramsay. Photo/supplied.
Foul mouthed celebrity chef Gordon Ramsay. Photo/supplied.

Another month, another collection of memorable outbursts from the stars of the idiot box. Can you guess who uttered these beauties? (Answers below)

1. "The boss is also a dab hand with a pair of tongs."

2. "Well, just throw a towel down."

3. "There'll be teen pregnancies, violence, drugs."

4. "Like you've never seen a dick before."

5. "Give your missus a tug on the reigns will ya?"

6. "Another great way to get a tan is at the tanning salon."

7. "Despite kiwi paranoia his nationality isn't an issue, he just didn't resonate with the Australian audience."

8. "Wellington, that's what I'm Tolkien about."

9. "Kids? I thought you said tits."

10. "You're like a little f**king Hitler."

The answers:

1. "The boss is also a dab hand with a pair of tongs."

You probably guessed this was an Australian line, and you'd be right. The show was Kalgoorlie Cops, and the boss was Sergeant Cameron Clifford. The Age dubbed the show, "Deadwood with HSV Commodores." It makes me think it's a shame that TV cameras didn't exist back in the days when Paihia was so full of crime and whalers that it was known as the "hellhole of the Pacific." Now there's a show that would come close the frontier town antics of KC.

2. "Well, just throw a towel down."

Yes, the reason is the one you are thinking of. Wouldn't want to get blood on the new rug just because it's that time of the month. It could only be from a radio commercial on 95BFM or from the cast of Californication.

3. "There'll be teen pregnancies, violence, drugs."

Reckoned a Christchurch schoolgirl over the proposal to build a "superschool" with primary and secondary kids thrown together in what has been described as "the worst street in New Zealand."

4. "Like you've never seen a dick before."

Quin on Homeland as he got out of his hospital bed wearing only a robe. He flashed Carey, who seemed shocked, although it's hard to tell with her.

5. "Give your missus a tug on the reigns will ya."

The northern Irish he-man Jim MacDonald has returned to Coronation Street. He let this one rip as Becky was giving lip to Steve mum's and Jim's ex Liz. This was before he went crazy with the sawn-off shotgun.

6. "Another great way to get a tan is at the tanning salon."

Said the really brown woman on the shopping channel. But the product she was pushing came out of a tube, and was "really, really great." It's also "a natural product." "What's the active ingredient?" the shopping channel lady asked her. It was something called "dihydroxyacetone." It also looked like cat poo, which is to say, "it has a really nice velvety texture."

7. "Despite kiwi paranoia his nationality isn't an issue, he just didn't resonate with the Australian audience."

Said the Aussie media commentator on One News, in reference to Paul Henry's failure to attract viewers on Channel 10's disappointing breakfast TV experiment.

8. "Wellington, that's what I'm Tolkien about."

That was Guy Williams with a sign he'd made for his trip to the Hobbit madness in Wellington, on Jono and Ben at 10. While the rest of the media simply made New Zealanders of themselves by sucking up to the stars on the red carpet, Williams simply turned up and made a dick of himself. He lurched at Elijah Woods with "Any favourable comments about New Zealand?" And then pretended to wet his pants with joy when Wood's responded "I love it here."

9. "Kids? I thought you said tits."

Mark Sainsbury had actually asked Rod Stewart a rhetorical, "You like kids don't you?" It was one of many classic clips that played on last week's bittersweet final ever episode of Close-Up.

10. "You're like a little f**king Hitler."

Nothing to do with the Labour party conference. It was in fact Gordon Ramsay telling it like it is on Hotel Hell. The hotelier in question, one John Imof, is an ex military man, who talked his wife into buying a hotel despite the fact they had zero hospitality experience. In other words, a perfect candidate for being yelled at by gobby Gordo. This shit should be getting old by now, but it's not.

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