Joseph Durie of the Hauraki team lists seven reasons why New Zealand needs the Hurricanes to win the Super Rugby title on Saturday.
1. Because NZ Rugby "You're The Best Around Nothing's Gonna Ever Keep You Dow-Ow-Ow-Ow-Own"
For the whole year we've heard every sports journalist from Kaitia to the Bluff waxing lyrical about how the New Zealand conference is the best and how it's so unfair they have to play each other so much and any of the teams (but probably not The Blues) could win the title. People almost had a meltdown when there wasn't a four way NZ team Semi-Final set-up. So if the Hurricanes, a New Zealand franchise wasn't to win then we'd all be living in the town from 'Stranger Things'.
2. Because South Africa Is The Evil Villain From An 80s Action Movie
Seriously though, as a rugby nation they're pretty much Ivan Drago from 'Rocky IV', Bennett from 'Commando' or even Richter from 'Total Recall'. How fun will it be on Saturday when the 'Canes, New Zealand's 'Canes vanquish the evil of the Lions and Beauden Barrett drops a "See yah at the party Richter" in the post-match interview?
3. Because Every Other New Zealand Team Has Won It
Makes sense right? Admittedly the Blues haven't won since there was only 12 teams, but it still counts. The Hurricanes have come so close and it's probably about time they won. Probability states it will happen eventually so why not this year and get it over and done with?
Mulls might not be able to handle it if his beloved Hurricanes lose another final. He may be in Rio covering that sporting event who's name shall not be mentioned, but if the Hurricanes don't win on Saturday we will no doubt be able hear his expletives here in New Zealand from Brazil. Although if he goes on a post loss depression drinking binge and documents it on a Snapchat story that could easily be better than the Hangover Part II.
Some people might take pleasure that this punishing song would be wrong again. But, as bad as this song is, it's better than the terrible chant the Wellington fans currently sing "HURR-I-CANES! HURR-I-CANES!" So how good would it be if the crowd could take pride in that song being factually correct for once and sing it loud and proud in the stands of the cake tin like an English football crowd.
6. So The City Can Stop Acting "Absolutely Positively" And Just Be Happy
Finally the region can stop the humiliating forced positivity on its residents like an oppressive Capital City regime for fear of being involved in some kind of Hunger Games, or as it's more widely referred to as 'The Wellington 7's'.
If the Hurricanes lose, NZR might finally pull the plug on this consistent failure and put the team up for sale. No doubt prominent cat enthusiast and philanthropist Gareth Morgan would purchase the team, pump a crap load of money into it, get all the best players back from France and create a championship winning team. You'd then see him every time the Canes' lead with 10mins to go he'd have his shirt off, waving it over his head with his cold wellington wind-blown nipples on show, and nobody needs more of that.
Good luck Wellington Hurricanes, New Zealand's counting on you!