Troubled former Parramatta and Manly star Kieran Foran has admitted he tried to take his own life as personal issues involving his ex-partner got the better of him.
The Kiwi international was granted a release from the beleaguered Eels last week, less than a year after joining the club from Manly on a five-year deal worth $5 million.
In a candid interview with News Corp Australia, Foran revealed that he has walked away from the NRL to focus on getting his life back on track.
He told Eels coach Brad Arthur in December that he was struggling to cope before his life spiralled out of control in April.
"The intent was there," Foran said.
"I wanted out. About 1.30am I remember driving in my car, thinking in my head what way I was going to kill myself.
"I ended up driving back to my apartment, where I was staying in the city. I had a batch of left-over pills that were pain-killing medication. I tried to basically overdose.
"I remember the week vividly. I had been struggling, I had a lot going on. Trying to work through my relationship breakdown, with two young kids, with my ex-partner, while juggling football.
"I just wasn't coping. I could see I was starting to lose hope on life, really. I just couldn't see that light at the end of the tunnel.
"I just remember one late Thursday night it all got too much for me.
"I can't remember the exact amount (of pills I took). It was a handful. I remember getting told the next day by the nurses that it wasn't enough to kill me but definitely enough to make me crook.
"At the time I was hoping that it was gonna do the job. I'm grateful I'm here today, but I remember waking up the next morning wishing that it had worked."
Foran says there is no time frame for a return rugby league.
"My priority at the moment is getting myself right," he said.
"I know there will come a time where I need to earn a living.
"When I get that love and desire back for rugby league, then I will know I will want to play it again.
"At the moment I have no motivation to play it. I wanna get my shoulder right. I wanna get healthy again in the mind and the body."
Where to get help:
• In an emergency: call 111
• Lifeline: 0800 543 354 (available 24/7)
• Suicide Crisis Helpline: 0508 828 865 (0508 TAUTOKO) (available 24/7)
• Youthline: 0800 376 633, or text 234 (available 24/7) or email@example.com or live chat (between 7pm and 11pm) http://livechat.youthline.co.nz/mibew/chat?locale=en&style=youthline
• Kidsline: 0800 543 754 (available 24/7)
• Whatsup: 0800 942 8787 (1pm to 11pm)
• Depression helpline: 0800 111 757 (available 24/7)
• Rainbow Youth: (09) 376 4155 (weekdays 11am to 5pm)