Crazy happenings from another week on Planet Sport...
Shocking news from the camel racing scene in Dubai. Ever since the practice of using slave children to ride your camel was outlawed in 2005 (bloody PC gone mad, if you ask us), robots have been in the saddle.
Well, they say robots, but these are really just automated whipping machines.
Now three men have been arrested for selling robot jockeys that cheat. The devious robots have been getting an extra bit of speed from their dromedaries by delivering electric shocks to the animals. Animal rights activists have got the hump.
Also finding novel ways to make animals go faster are a pair of greyhound trainers in Florida. Richard Alves and his son Casey have had their licences suspended after seven of their dogs tested positive for cocaine at the Daytona Beach Kennel Club. They deny drugging the doggies.
Electrocuting Mike Tyson's pigeons, feeding them cocaine or harming the little critters in any way, shape or form is not recommended. The one time Baddest Man on the Planet describes his first ever punch at the age of 10.
"The reason for the fight was because the guy ripped the head off my pigeon. This was the first thing I ever loved in my life, the pigeon."
(Ripped the head off Mike Tyson's pigeon, eh? That's one for the CV.)
Tyson has now taken up pigeon racing, after raising the birds for most of his life, and his efforts will feature in a television show Taking on Tyson.
More big news for fans of camel-based sporting events. Organisers of the annual camel wrestling championships in Selcuk, Turkey, have come up with just the thing to boost the fading sport: a camel beauty contest. (Stop sniggering, ours is a nation famed for sheep shagging.)
The first winner of the Selcuk camel beauty contest was Chariot, a 680kg single-humper.
"Camels are very sophisticated and realise people are watching them, so they're trying to pose," says Necidet Durmaz, one of the judges. "Some camels will stop, open their back legs and wave their tail, or cock their head back and moan - this is the kind of posing we are looking for."
(Well, on a lonely night, when the caravan is far from home ... )
Chariot's owner, Ismail Egilmez, a professional camel trainer, was understandably delighted to have the beauty of his camel confirmed in the eyes of his peers. "I love this camel as much as I love my family, more maybe. Look how beautiful he is."
Sexist? Do me a favour, love
Stop press! Blokes in sport are a bit sexist shock! Highlights from the Sky Sports testicle-scratching hilarity:
Richard Keys points out an article on sexism in soccer written by the West Ham vice-chairman: "Did you hear charming Karren Brady this morning complaining about sexism? Do me a favour, love."
Later, England captain Rio Ferdinand says Keys and Andy Gray expressed "prehistoric" views.
Keys replies: "Are you telling me it doesn't take place in the Manchester United dressing room? My information is that it does."
When in a hole, Richard, stop digging.
They said it
"Phew am exhausted. Just read about something called 'the offside rule'. Too much for my tiny brain. Must be damaged from nail polish fumes."
Kelly Dalglish, a sports presenter on ESPN and daughter of Kenny, has a dig at Andy Gray and Richard Keys over their sexist banter.
"With all the charity work, I've got to make sure I'm not going too soft. I have not been booked for a while."
Bolton Wanderers battering ram Kevin Davies worries that his work with "Kids of Bolton" - a charity that helps deserving children's causes in the area - has dimmed his hard-man image. Better kick someone in the knee then, Kev.
"I could do many other things in my life. I have enough money. I have a great family around me. But when I was away from the sport, all I wanted to do was to wake up in the morning and put on my Nikes and go out there and run and play."
Nike-wearing (in case you wondered) Maria Sharapova responds to suggestions that her heart isn't in tennis anymore and that she's become more of a walking exercise in celebrity product endorsement.
"We want to paint the car black and silver or black and white, to represent New Zealand. Last year we had a New Zealand flag on the back of the car but people thought we were Australians."
Rally driver Hayden Paddon on the reality of our national flag.
"I just probably looked stupid or something, and they thought 'here's one here, he's not Spanish, obviously and we're looking for a foreigner'."
Spurs manager and SuperShorts regular Harry Redknapp after being mugged in Madrid.
"I pride myself on getting the guys from the nineties to the hundreds. If I can be remembered for anything with the bat, I hope that'll be it."
We love your work, Chris Martin, but we're pretty sure that if you're remembered for anything with the bat, it won't be that.
The Black Caps
A run of 11 ODI defeats on the trot ended with victory over Pakistan last Saturday. The rain-buggered match on Wednesday means they're on a two-match unbeaten streak! Wahoo!
A Brazilian campaign to stamp out dengue fever features images of a mosquito dressed in the Argentinian soccer kit. The billboards show a Brazil player booting a ball at the mosquito.
The cost of raising your child to be a professional tennis player, according to Bloomberg. The Bollettieri Academy in Florida costs $88,000 each year.
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