Picture the scene. In a concrete bunker deep beneath the streets of London, Stephen Jones, of the Times, settles into his favourite chair - warm pint in hand, slippers on feet. He flicks on the telly to watch last weekend's 18-try Lions v Chiefs match ...
The Jones boy II
Soon, Jones hits the typewriter. The 137-point romp was "living proof of the shambles that occurs when senior officials of struggling unions make the gross error to believe that endless sickly movements are the answer to their problems". The players, says SJ, "feared that their paymasters would be on their backs if the game did not yield around 15 tries minimum".
The Jones boy III
Meanwhile, in the English Premiership: Harlequins 15, Northampton 6.
Give him a hand
We're not ones to laugh at foreigners with funny-sounding names, so instead we simply applaud the efforts of Andreas Wank. Germany's A. Wank bagged a silver in the team ski jumping. If you've seen any other foreign sportspeople with names not to be laughed at, drop us a line at supersport@nzherald.co.nz.
Geography? Over-rated
English cricketer Paul Collingwood has had another of his Prince Philip moments. "People have to realise we're the only Northern Hemisphere team in cricket," said his Highness. Which will come as a surprise to the people of the West Indies, India, Pakistan, Sri Lanka and Bangladesh. Not to mention the Dutch, who beat England in the T20 World Championships last year.
The flabby tally
The medal count that really matters is in. Couch Potato Olympics, a table plotted by thedailybeast.com to find the laziest nations has put the heaving, burger-eating mass of the United States on top. Maple-syrup enriched Canada grabbed second, while the frites-munching, beer-guzzling Belgians wobbled into third place. New Zealand appears trimly at No 22.
Press release of the week
"Griffin Joins Bode Miller in Tough [Giant Slalom]" arrives with a leaden thud in our inbox. It carries the happy news that Kiwi skier Ben Griffin has matched the great United States skier Miller at the Vancouver Olympics! Awesome, a New Zealander joins the best! Go, Kiwi! So where, dear press release, did the pair finish?
"Miller has failed to finish the Giant Slalom today at Whistler Creekside after coming out of the course in the first half of the race ... American skier Bode Miller ... also failed to finish on the demanding course."
Grizzly Leopard
Ghanaian slalom skier Kwame Nkrumah-Acheampong, aka the Snow Leopard, hates being compared to a certain famous Brit. "After all the Eddie the Eagle publicity, Britain should have a proper ski jump programme," he points out, "but you don't. Why not?"
Good week for...
Sachin Tendulkar
India's genius passed what could be the final barrier in ODIs, belting 200 runs against South Africa. Reaching the next milestone - 250 - would take something special. The opener posted his record off 147 balls.
Bad week for...
Edvald Boasson Hagen
The Norwegian cyclist was comfortably leading the field in the Tour of Oman when nature called. While he hopped off for a slash in the desert, the rest of the field attacked, with Fabian Cancellara the eventual winner.
The number
Six
Red cards shown to Scottish amateur footballer Paul Cooper - in one match. After his first red, the Hawick United player argued with the ref, picking up five more reds. Result: a two-year ban.
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