It's always helpful to know your type

Alan is a 37-year-old computer science graduate looking for the ideal woman. Not just any woman. The "ideal" one. Alan's ideal woman should be "a free thinker, open-minded, free from social constrictions or fake morals ... believe in herself and her rational judgment based on empirical, scientific and philosophical knowledge". She should also not be overweight, he says, admitting that can't detach himself "from the terrestrial law of physical attraction". He then details his preference for "classical outfits, or 90s trend with high-waist pants" but says he's not fond of "super thin high heels". Ms Ideal should also know what "cosmic pain" is and be someone who has "experienced suffering enough to see the meaning of life in depth". She should also be fluent in English, but if English is her native language, then he expects a second language. Alan describes himself as a "European male born in 1980, who is 1.89cm tall with pleasant looks and a slender/athletic figure". He explains: "I found myself unsuitable among the masses, so I started to seek for different acknowledgments, higher achievements and abstract meanings of places and people. I am slowly trying to find my way out of the rat race and I would like to find a partner who I can share the rest of my existence with." Interested yet? Read more here.

Lend me your heirs

Tender Hooks

- a poem by Brian Bilston.

"Let me cut to the cheese;
every time you open your mouth
I am on tender hooks.

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You charge at the English language
like a bowl in a china shop.
Please nip it in the butt.

On the spurt of the moment,
the words tumble out.
It's time you gave up the goat.

Curve your enthusiasm
Don't give them free range,
the chickens will come home to roast.

And now you are in high dungeon.
You think me a damp squid:
on your phrases I should not impose.

But they spread like wildflowers
in a doggy-dog world,
and your spear of influence grows".

Won't translate into sales

On a recent trip to Mendoza, in Argentina, Johnson Scutt came across this perfume shop.
On a recent trip to Mendoza, in Argentina, Johnson Scutt came across this perfume shop. "I asked my wife and mother if they were in need of any exotic fragrances," he says.

Quick Links

1.Pull over! Pull over NOW!

2. Oh no! You're never going to make it.

4. She thought she'd donated her body to science, but her brain never was used for Alzheimer's research. Instead, her body became part of an Army experiment to measure damage caused by roadside bombs.

Video Pick

Here's the vandal you all voted Bird of the Year in action...


Got a Sideswipe? Send your pictures, links and anecdotes to Ana at ana.samways@nzherald.co.nz