Rhys Darby

Comedian Rhys Darby on life in New Zealand

Rhys Darby: Frozen snail adventure could put us off veges

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How could it survive the entire process from field to wok?.

A snail, similar to the one found in frozen ready-to-cook food. Photo / Christine Cornege
A snail, similar to the one found in frozen ready-to-cook food. Photo / Christine Cornege

I was on tour with Bear Grylls last week. Now we all know he's famous for adventuring around the world and eating bugs but guess what? The day I hit the road my wife found a bug in her frozen stir-fry packet! Well actually it was a snail. Is a snail a bug? What is a snail? Oh that's right, it's a mollusc. Anyway, the best way to describe what happened is to show you the complaint letter she wrote ...

Dear Unnamed Canadian Australian Company with a Scottish Name,

Today I decided to try your frozen stir-fry veges. Imagine my surprise to discover some extra protein when I threw them in the wok. There was a frozen SNAIL staring up at me! Immediately I took photos (to post to Twitter) and called your customer services . Your "customer services" response was, in a rather bored tone, that "even with our stringent checks sometimes this happens".

Pardon? Even with all your checks a snail managed to find its way from the field, into the packing shed, and eventually into my wok?

The veges were prepared stir-fried veges. This means that they were peeled and chopped. You are telling me that this snail managed to survive being picked, packed, checked and then peeled and chopped? You know what, I am going to fish that frozen critter out of the rubbish bin, he must be Houdini reincarnated!

I asked your customer "service" rep if I was supposed to rinse the veges before putting them in the wok, as I would for fresh veges. And while this sounds facetious, and is, I genuinely thought that some time in my 38 years I may have missed the lesson to rinse pre-cut frozen veges. Thankfully no, she thought I was a bit odd for suggesting it.

She offered me a $20 voucher to reimburse me for the food that was wasted. That is barely going to cover the wine I need to drink to get over it.

Don't you think you could set 5+ a day back years if this had actually been served to my kids? We try so hard to get kids eating well, and then you have to go and plant Houdini in my frozens!

I have to go now, and call Ripley's Believe it or Not and let them know Houdini WAS back, briefly, as a snail, and figure out if he could be resuscitated. When you say snap frozen, is that like cryogenics?

Yours Rosie

I'm actually relieved I wasn't there. My wife suffers from a terrible affliction known as "the world is full of idiots sent to try me syndrome", or id moronis idiotis. It's hereditary, you should meet her family. As you can imagine, It's not the first complaint letter she's written.

Good on ya Rosie, you've done it again.

- NZ Herald

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