It has just been announced that I will host the New Zealand leg of Bear Grylls' live stage show, A Wild Night with Bear Grylls.
This is very exciting news indeed. For those of you who have no idea who Bear Grylls is, I'd normally say you've been living under a rock but that actually doesn't ring true because Bear would've found you there! There aren't many places this guy hasn't been to and equally there aren't many rocks he hasn't lifted ... in order to find food.
I'm a big fan of Bear Grylls because as a man I like involving myself in manly pursuits. You know, things like running, bush walks and fishing. I was a soldier in the early 1990s, so wading through rivers and digging holes have always been second nature. In fact, when most kids my age were doing the Jump to Kris Kross, I was doing the jump to "gunshots" on the training field. I loved the army but it didn't really love me. I used to get into trouble because I thought outside the square.
"Your bunker is massive, Darby, and why isn't it camouflaged?"
"I think I stand more of a chance if the enemy can see it, sir."
"What do you mean?"
"Well ... a normal army may pass straight through here but an army of 50-foot robots will simply crush the place. If my bunker is strong and sticks out, a giant robot is less likely to step on it for fear of toppling over."
"No one on earth has a giant robot army!"
"That's right, sir ... No one on earth ... but ..."
A lot of people don't believe I was a soldier. They look at my luscious hair and wacky bow-tie collection and immediately put me down as some kind of supernatural geek. And, well okay, they're not too far off the mark ... (clears throat). But here's the thing, my plan from the beginning was always this: know the facts about possible alien attacks and then be physically trained and able to deal with them. End result? - save the world.
After 3-years I left the army at the ripe old age of 20 but I'd like to think some of the skills are still with me. I'm great at physical movement, I can still remember Morse code and perhaps most importantly, I can fold my socks up into little balls with smiley faces. Bear Grylls probably knows this and that's why he's chosen me to join him on stage. Together we'll be an unstoppable force. I can see us now:
Bear attached to a rope dangling from the ceiling telling stories of the wild while chewing the head off an insect ... and me doing helicopter noises and throwing sock balls at a wall of slowly advancing giant robots.
"You can't beat them, Rhys, let's run!"
"No, Bear ... I have a plan, look I think I can outdance them!"By Rhys Darby Email Rhys