Claire Trevett 's Opinion

Claire Trevett is the New Zealand Herald’s deputy political editor.

Claire Trevett: Politicians sitting ducks for cracker jokes

17 comments
Judith Collins was asked on Twitter if Santa was covered by ACC while in NZ. (She tweeted yes). Photo / File
Judith Collins was asked on Twitter if Santa was covered by ACC while in NZ. (She tweeted yes). Photo / File

'Tis the season and all that, and part of the season is weak cracker jokes. Never one to let the side down, let us turn our minds to how politicians spent the day and the New Year's resolutions they are pondering in between overs of the cricket.

Justice and ACC Minister Judith Collins made the mistake of reminding people of her existence by tweeting a cheery Christmas message.

By way of reward, she was inundated on Twitter by people demanding to know the following: whether the new alcohol limits meant it was okay to leave a beer out for Santa, how much he could drink given his BMI, whether Santa was covered by ACC while in New Zealand, and what she was doing about Santa's annual home invasions.

The above is actually true. Like rust, Collins never rests so she answered every question with one word: "Yes".

It was harder to discern what other MPs were doing. But the following news leaked out.

Having claimed Key is attempting to gerrymander the election by arranging convenient photo ops with Prince George, Labour leader David Cunliffe was given a gift voucher to learn how to photo bomb in advance of the royal visit by Prince William, the Duchess of Cambridge and their baby.

And after a year of criticising Key for ignoring, or forgetting, various elephants in the room, Cunliffe also developed a paranoia that Key would finally start to pay attention and use the elephant he left Sri Lanka with as his campaign vehicle.

Of course, there may well be some truth to the fear that Prince George will decide the election rather than the usual three wise men: the economy, policies and trust.

But just in case voters weren't as shallow as Cunliffe gave them credit for, Bill English too was watching his flocks by night: namely his surplus and interest rates which, like Jesus, had risen again.

Having apparently forgotten that US soil is the last place Kim Dotcom would be spending Christmas, an unidentified guest had to be restrained in Maui after mistaking a local Santa for Dotcom, tearing off his beard. He was heard repeatedly asking "why have YOU turned red, Dotcom?".

Meanwhile, back in the Chrisco mansion in the Prime Minister's electorate, the real Dotcom was still sweating but had at least decided on a slogan for his new political party and given badges with "Mega-Lomaniac" on it to all his guests.

Greens co-leader Russel Norman on the other hand had opened his gifts, returned those with Made in China on them, and declared all he still wanted for Christmas was his flag back.

After a year of travels, both domestic and international, Mana leader Hone Harawira also decided to follow in the footsteps of his ancestors, the great explorers, and set up an expedition of his own: the goal being to find out where his office in Parliament actually is.

Labour MP Shane Jones will finally give up his favourite pastime of riling up those in his own party by shredding the internal organs of the Green Party and singing paeans to mining, casinos and big business. He will instead be elected as leader of the political party that is his true turangawaewae: Act.

The man currently in that role, John Banks, spent the day continuing to insist he'd had a great year, and showing guests his card from the Prime Minister thanking him for having even worse memory lapses than the PM had shown.

After ending the year deciding he had resigned his ministerial posts because of a rush of blood to the head rather than for good reason, United Future leader Peter Dunne was still waiting for the Prime Minister to pick up on his subtle hints he should be reinstated. To that end, he gifted the Prime Minister a dictionary so he could look up the meaning of "precipitate resignation".

As for the Prime Minister, he emptied his stocking hoping to find the past year had been but a dream, and he had been re-gifted the bonny slew of coalition partners he had enjoyed for the past five years.

Alas, his three wise men: Peter Dunne, John Banks and Pita Sharples were nowhere to be seen.

All he found amongst the lint was a snarling Winston Peters and Colin Craig clutching a radiation-proof umbrella.

- NZ Herald

Claire Trevett

Claire Trevett is the New Zealand Herald’s deputy political editor.

Claire Trevett is the New Zealand Herald’s deputy political editor and joined the Press Gallery in 2007. She began with the Herald in 2003 as the Northland reporter before moving to Auckland where her rounds included education and media. A graduate of AUT's post-graduate diploma in journalism, Claire began her journalism career in 2002 at the Northern Advocate in Whangarei. Claire has conjoint Bachelor of Law/ Bachelor of Arts degrees from the University of Canterbury.

Read more by Claire Trevett

Have your say

We aim to have healthy debate. But we won't publish comments that abuse others. View commenting guidelines.

1200 characters left

Sort by
  • Oldest

© Copyright 2014, APN New Zealand Limited

Assembled by: (static) on red akl_a3 at 22 Sep 2014 18:15:03 Processing Time: 477ms