More than 24 hours have now passed since Donald Trump delivered his first triumphant speech as President-elect, and, hey, the sky hasn't fallen, the clocks have not stopped, the earth continues to spin on its axis. (Note to subs: pls check latest re sky/earth.)
Already, however, we've been inundated with hot takes and deep dives, as pundits grapple to explain what happened. The last thing you need is for me to join that throng - I'm utterly flummoxed.
Didn't America get the open letter to America I wrote to them via this newspaper back in June, instructing everyone not to vote for the carrot-stained man-baby troglodyte? I felt sure that would do the trick.
Instead: a first bash at the Bumper Trumper Book of Jokes. Who doesn't like jokes? Fun and so on.
As renowned Mexican Confucius once said, laughter is the best medicine, and there's nothing like a teaspoon of medicine when you're lying splayed and bloody on the ground, vital organs erupting from your torso.
I mean, I know satire is futile and finished - both Armando Iannucci and the writers' team at the Onion have conceded in recent weeks that they've been utterly eclipsed by real life - but we're just talking low-key, laid-back, chilled out, easygoing, featherweight jokes.
1 Patient: Doctor! Doctor! I've got lacerations all over my scalp!
Doctor: Why, patient, those are historic lacerations, received from the shards of a shattered ceiling.
Patient: But, doctor, I thought Hillary Clinton failed to win?
Doctor: That's right, patient, we didn't get the first woman president, but we did get the first ever man who has cufflinks, casinos, cookies, cologne and steaks branded with his name president, the first man who has promised to lock up his "devil" opponent president, the first man who is facing a dozen allegations of sexual assault president and the first man who boasts of his sexual predator status, saying "grab them by the pussy", president.
Patient: Haha, thanks doc, so funny, but my head.
2 Person: Why did voters in American states including Florida and California vote to liberalise marijuana laws this week?
Different person: Because they had taken Michelle Obama's advice -- when they go low, we get high.
3 Knock, knock! Who's there? Demagogue! Demagogue who? Dem agog everywhere because more Americans voted for Donald Trump than for Hillary Clinton! Actually technically that's not true. Clinton won the popular vote. OK, good point!
4 Joke lover: I say, I say, I say! What do you call the scandalabra that Donald Trump could face, given he is due to appear in court later this month to defend himself over fraud allegations connected to the deeply terrible Trump University, not to mention the powderkeg of allegations of sexual misconduct and dodgy tax returns, all of which could engulf him even before he is sworn in?
Joke lover's friend: I don't know, what do you call (etc)?
Joke lover: Why, that's easy! You call it Makeamericagate.
5 Max Key on Facebook (actually true): "I wonder if Donald Trump's son will become a DJ."
6 Q: What do army men Colonel Sanders and Donald Trump have in common?
A: I know this, Q! Nothing -- Colonel Sanders eagerly enlisted in the US Army whereas Donald Trump dodged the draft.
Q: Sorry, A, that's not it. What they have in common is a totally secret recipe -- the colonel's herbs and spices, and the Don's herbs and Isis.
A: This is very good joking, but doesn't the colonel actually have a secret recipe whereas Trump probably hasn't got any secret plan at all and hasn't a clue how to defeat Isis, right?
Q: Yeah. Hahahaha.
7 Knock, knock! Who's there? Vladimir. Vladimir who? Vladimir Putin, silly. Actually, no need to get up, I've got my keys here.
8 Patient: Doctor! Doctor! My staff have taken away my tweeting privileges!
Doctor: That's not really a medical complaint but it's hardly a surprise given you respond to the death of dozens of people by saying things like, "Appreciate the congrats for being right on radical Islamic terrorism", holler that "The concept of global warming was created by and for the Chinese in order to make US manufacturing non-competitive" and, best of all, "Amazing how the haters & losers keep tweeting the name 'F**kface Von Clownstick' like they are so original & like no one else is doing it." In light of all that and your propensity to launch into unhinged tweetstorms at 3am, it seems to me as a trained medical practitioner to be deeply troubling that you will soon be commander in chief of the most powerful killing machine in the history of the world, not to mention having the nuclear codes.
9 Brexit polls more like, right? Hahaha.
10 A Mexican and a Syrian walk into a bar. Everyone in the bar shouts "rapist" and hurls racist slurs because that's all pretty much cool now.
11 Q: Why did the chicken cross the road?
A: Actually that's not a chicken it's Trump's appointee to the Supreme Court vacancy, skipping across Capitol Hill thinking about how evil things like abortion and gays are. Hahaha.
12 Q: Why did the chicken cross the road?
A: Actually that's not a chicken it's Boris Johnson, the implausibly coiffed caricature who, contrary to the laws of gravity, is now the Brexiteer British foreign minister. He once said, "The only reason I wouldn't visit some parts of New York is the real risk of meeting Donald Trump," but has now issued his congratulations to the implausibly coiffed caricature who, contrary to the laws of gravity, is now the American President-elect.
13 Something to do with the FBI's dysfunction and Weiner and Comey, I don't know. Look, to be honest my heart isn't really in this.
14 Maybe we deserve it.
15 Sarah Palin, seriously?
16 Knock, knock. What if all the clowns were a sign?
17 A columnist walks into a bar.