Raybon Kan is an award-winning stand-up comedian

Raybon Kan: The choice is simple - Trump or Not Trump

Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump comes across as more smug than Prince William. Photo / AP
Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump comes across as more smug than Prince William. Photo / AP

I'm sure by now you're over the first Trump-Clinton debate. So let's talk about the next one. The second debate, next week, is before an audience of 1000 undecided voters. How are there any undecided voters in America?

If any choice of two options could be described as a no-brainer, this is it.

(Yeah, I know, "no-brainer" also applies to the other two candidates: one is anti-vaccines; the other gives legalised weed a bad name. Let's put them aside. And hope they don't take enough votes from Clinton for Trump to win.)

Imagine this were a multi-choice question on a test, with two options: (A) Trump, or (B) Clinton. I'm not saying this is equivalent to choosing between (A) Evil, or (B) Good. But Clinton doesn't have to be perfect. It's enough that she's Not Donald Trump.

Here's a guy pleading insanity, with back-up from his implausibly nuts doctor, and America's not listening. Sometimes, a cigar is a cigar.

What question could you possibly be facing, which required you to receive more information? I

f you're into his thing - and at minimum, 40 per cent of voters are, just look at his rallies - then he won your vote the moment he asked where Obama was born.

And he said the birth certificate was fake, for five years after Obama (to his shame) produced it.

Five years is a long time. It's how long Captain Kirk budgeted to explore the entire galaxy. Imagine if every episode of Star Trek was Kirk asking Spock for his birth certificate. Yet this repetition won Trump the nomination.

When I hear Hillary say that America is better than this, I have to disagree. Just look at Trump's poll numbers. Look at the stadiums filled for his rallies. Look at how black people and Latinos are treated by police.

And America's terrible history. Diversity's not new. Black people didn't suddenly arrive during The Cosby Show. They've been there the whole time. Granted, their incomes were not great, but slavery doesn't pay well.

Hispanics have been there the whole time. The cities of Los Angeles and San Francisco are not called The Angels and St Francis. And Native Americans, as the name suggests, were there first. The difference is class and power. And the compound interest on privilege really adds up.

Trump, like his sons, comes across as the person who's never had a job interview.

Trump projects more smug than Prince William, who is literally a royal prince. Prince William - born with everything - projects more decency, more public duty, and at least a preference for good over evil.

And as compromised as Hillary Clinton is - with her massive speaking fees from Goldman Sachs - by a process of elimination, she is NOT TRUMP.

So how are there undecideds? Your gag reflex is the litmus test. You're either a raving fan, Mexican-hating, Muslim-hating and Black-hating, or you're not.

Are you waiting to find out what type of bricks Trump's wall will be made from? Do you really expect him to learn the words that come after the cyber and the nuclear? When you're undecided on a no-brainer, the no-brainer is you.

Trump isn't even a hypocrite, because a hypocrite says one thing and does another. He never even says anything virtuous. He's incapable. And his followers love him for it.

He fat-shamed a Miss Universe. At length. (To out-reach from his base of uneducated white men, to hot slim white women, the Fox news anchor electorate.)

He said Hillary's attack ads are "not nice". Her ads quote his words, using his voice. That is why the ads are not nice. He is not nice. His platform is not nice. The nasty is his appeal.

When Hillary called Trump on not renting apartments to black people in the 70s, he said many developers faced the same lawsuit. He was effectively saying: hey, it was the 70s - racism, disco, coke - everyone was doing it. When Trump says Make America Great Again, he means before Lincoln.

He won't release his taxes. He admitted to not paying a cent of federal income tax for the two years which could be verified. I'll do the sums for you - that is a tax rate of zero percent. (The One Percent are people who think that one percent is too high a tax rate.)

He said it's smart. His followers respect his business acumen, his winner status. The police, to whom his zero tax has never contributed, endorse him. Welcome to America.

No pressure, undecideds - take your time.

- NZ Herald

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Raybon Kan is an award-winning stand-up comedian

Raybon Kan's books of humour include ‘America on 5 Bullets a Day’ and ‘An Asian at my Table’. Before comedy, he graduated with honours in law and his legal research was published in the New Zealand Law Journal. His TV work includes a documentary in which he trained to be a casino croupier. He once held his breath for 3 minutes and 50 seconds. Visit RaybonKan.com

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