FROM: Team-Key-war-room


Everything was going swimmingly, and then this. I'm sorry, Muzz, but aren't you meant to be the micro-managing maniac who insisted on choosing the colour of the uniforms for Rugby World Cup volunteers? With all due respect, the only reasonable conclusion is you've been overwhelmed by your constituency workload. We might just have a solution there. A spot of democratic immunity in East Coast Bays, if you take my meaning.

Still. Misunderstanding. Ambiguity. Shortcomings. Just as well you were swift to apologise to the blameless victim in all this, #JohnKey. Operational matter, separation of powers, inquiry under way. How on earth are we expected to know what is going on in the musty recesses of the Ministry of Foreign Affairs and Trade if they don't put it in a postcard? We can hardly watch their every move. Our considerable resources are instead focused on what matters to hardworking New Zealanders: correspondence from Labour MPs in 2003.

This morning's internal polling tells us the focus groups are accurately reflecting our survey data. Steady as she goes. Hardworking New Zealanders are embracing the ambitious vision we've laid out for the country in the form of doing up some rural roads. Remember that we're a team, yes, but more than that we're John Key. And remember, brothers and sisters, and that includes the Minister of Justice, there's no "J" in #teamkey.

A further note will shortly be circulated naming the seats we are likely not to actively contest. We consider there will be a strategic advantage in ensuring the following non-National MPs win their constituencies: Colin Craig, Peter Dunne, David Seymour, and Trevor Mallard. In the meantime, please find attached an inspirational audiobook, which is basically me reading aloud John Key: Portrait of a Prime Minister. Don't mind the pauses. Got a bit choked up. Only human.


Yours sincerely
Steve (


FW: RE: FW: RE: RE: RE: RE: But that's not our position, is it?

Still on the lookout for a tweetbook hashtag, team. The frontrunner at the moment is #tehapuocunliffehopechangeforabetteraotearoanewzealand. Or #TameKey. #TeamMoa is not going to fly, #TeamTrev. Do you see how I just turned that into a joke. It's such a joke, this revive the extinct bird thing, ha! Ha ha ha! Ha, you see, here we are laughing, not bothered at all, not distracted, good old Trevor, what a dag, and here we are grinning like we just stood on a nail, laughing, smiling, losing blood, can't breathe, nurse.


RE: constructive politics

It's, like, totally getting us down, all the vitriol in contemporary New Zealand politics. So unawesome. Why can't we all get along, be constructive, work together, focus on what really matters, save the dolphins, hug and stop being so mean? There's far too much mud-slinging and name-calling, especially from the loathsome, amoral, cabinet-clubbing crony Muldoonist cretins from Planet Key.

Metiruss, #TeamQuinoa


RE: Winston

Will one of you beef-witted lickspittles tell me what a hashtag is?

TO: Colin's Angels

RE: Another idea!!!

This moa programme in Wainuiomata that the Prime Minister is planning sounds really fascinating. I was watching something on a YouTube computer and it turns out there's an island called Isla Nublar, where genetically engineered dinosaurs roam free. Isn't that just wonderful? That's something we should embrace. Could we demand a new ministry for devolution? The Conservative Party: turning the clock back, with a picture of me floating naked in a lily pond. Just ideas.

P.S. Did we ever find out who hacked up our Twitter?

RE: Supermarkets

Don't stop there, let's bloody well merge schools into supermarkets completely, call it Pak'nSave'n'GetABloodyEducation, I don't know, not my problem grow some balls and put hospitals in service stations, bloody obvious when you think about it. Social media? More like socialist media. Tell you what, hard to blame that Uruguayan footballer by God that Italian defender looked delicious.

TO: all-staff-politics-experiment

RE: Extradite this

Wow, Queenstown is really cool you guys should check it out. I've got a new rap song for the campaign, it goes: "Straight outta Coatesville, crazy Mega-flogger named Kim D, from the gang called Manternet Party. Layla, Honey, Kim Dot-Money, laying down the rhymes like manuka honey. Banksy's gone, now form a queue, dropping punks with my chequebook like Donghua Liu." Guys, everyone here thinks this rap incorporating topical issues could be a gamechanger, you know?