Bitchin' Channels

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Paul Casserly: TV's best quotes - 'time for a shopping montage'

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Loz and Tom from 'The Block'.
Loz and Tom from 'The Block'.

Spring has sprung but summer feels a long way off. We missed out on the water and at the Emmy's but we had Eleanor Catton and Lorde to feed our fragile national pride. And as always we had TV to keep us warm: Madeleine Sami to make us laugh, Walter White to make us scared and Martin Tasker to make us depressed. Here's some of the best and worst quotes from the month that was. Guess who said them and win nothing but the pride of knowing you're watching too much TV.


1. "The true source of his transformation occurs way north of his gonads."

2. "We know that this strike will not change anything on the ground."

3. "In a war zone at least you know who the bad guys are."

4. "If she can't pronounce the name right how the heck is she going to contact her?"

5. "I know who they are, they live in caravans they pick cabbages and if you cross them they'll throw rhubarb at you."

6. "Who would be in your starting five dictators of all time, living or dead?"

7. "Spit hill you're gonna die on Wednesday."

8. "If she doesn't want the job give the job to somebody else who wants the job."

9. "I think it's time for a shopping montage."

10. "You're the best thing to come out of pre-cum."


Answers:


1. "The true source of his transformation occurs way north of his gonads." TV doctor Michael Mosley on Prime's Inside the Human Body talking about his 16 year old son's development and the fact that his brain won't be finished until he's 20.

2. "We know that this strike will not change anything on the ground."
Dominique de Villepin, the former French PM talking on BBC World's Hardtalk in relation to Obama's wish to send missiles to Syria to teach them a lesson. The former PM was passionate in his condemnation of the plan, which has since been scrapped; "scratch a match and look what's going to happen."

3. "In a war zone at least you know who the bad guys are." More battle wary talk, but this time it was former Labour leader David Shearer comparing his time on the frontlines with the frontbench. He was talking with Susan Wood on Q&A in what was possibly his most relaxed and impressive interview to date. "I went out and caught 16 snapper last week with my mates, it was great!"

4. "If she can't pronounce the name right how the heck is she going to contact her?" said Rachel Mains, a friend of the late Sara Neithe, in reaction to TV psychic Sue Nicholson's claim that her show Sensing Murder had somehow solved the case. "The case isn't solved and Sue really didn't do anything to help," said Mains, who also said that Sara's friends and family were "shocked and horrified" by the claims. It's ten years since Ms Niethe went missing, but her ex-boyfriend Mark Pakenham didn't admit killing her until seven months ago. Nicholson later took to Facebook to claim she'd been misrepresented by 3 News, which prompted TV3 reporter Rachel Tiffen to show the unedited exchange again. Tiffen: "How many cases did you solve?" Nicholson: "Well, there's one been solved - Sarah Neish."

5. "I know who they are, they live in caravans they pick cabbages and if you cross them they'll throw rhubarb at you." Scottish hard-man and Emmy nominee, (Top of the Lake) Peter Mullan, in UKTV's unpleasantly brutal drama, The Fear. He was talking about a particularly violent family of Albanians who were muscling in on his patch in Brighton.

6. "Who would be in your starting five dictators of all time, living or dead?" asked a witty reporter during a typically bizarre press conference with basketball legend Dennis Rodman, just back from another visit with BFF Kim Jong-un. Sadly Rodman's minders stepped in before the maverick sportsman could reply.

7. "Spit-hill you're gonna die on Wednesday." Said Jim Hickey tapping into his inner Tony Soprano in reaction to a motivational tweet by Oracle skipper Jimmy Spithill.

8. "If she doesn't want the job, give the job to somebody else who wants the job." This was the angry outburst from Tau Henare when asked if he felt sorry for the cleaner who broke down in tears as she pleaded with MPs to dump proposed laws that would see less stability in her job. The woman worked at parliament where she cleaned all the toilets in Bowen House, so I guess she's used to unpleasant turds. Tau came to his senses and apologised via twitter the next day.

9. "I think it's time for a shopping montage." Tom from team 'Loz and Tom' on The Block, after winning the chance take home $5000 worth of products from one of the show's many sponsors.

10. "You're the best thing to come out of pre-cum." Levi, the rugby player, talking to Levi Jnr, the child that he was tricked into believing was his own despite not actually having had intercourse with the mother. This from Madeleine Sami's Super City 2, the brilliantly twisted satire of life in NZ which recently finished on TV3.

Mary the cougar singer also alluded to sexual sweat as she bemoaned her leaky home in the "hellhole" of Dannemora. "I wake up and there's something dripping on my face and I say, I hope that's Pat."

But perhaps the best gag of the series came at the end when Ofa, Sami's genius overbearing Tongan Winz manager, ends up unemployed and begging an even tougher Pasifika case manager for a job. "There must be something for someone with my skill set, my inflated sense of self righteousness, my stern manner, my penchant for intimidation." Cut to Ofa in her new job as a border control officer.

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