We present another episode of the long-running TV soap opera featuring numerous bids, bods, odds and sods, including the tireless Dr Pita "Ena" Sharples, Jonathan the Mucky Coal Man (definitely singing off-Key) and several other Pratts.

Scene One

Snug in the Snug, Dr "Ena" Sharples stroked the beautifully woven flax hairnet that had become his trademark.

"Ee, bai kauri gum, I think we've won," he said, supping a pint of Tui's brown ale. "I've pulled such a fast one 'ere, you could call me Nick and put me in charge of ACC!"

"I 'ope so," replied Hone Haileycropper. "We've won nowt. Coalition's fine, but we're as scoreless as the All Whites in Bahrain."

"Manamana," Dr Ena added helpfully.

"It's not Muppets' songs we're after, y' daft ha'p'orth," yelled Hone. "It's the World Cup!"

"Different Manamana," sighed Ena. "Speaking of which, if my secret scheme succeeds and we win the day, it will double the mana of Maori TV. It'll be mana mana for them.

And for us." He paused. "Fancy some pork scratchings?"

"What race is that?" inquired Hone, bewildered again.

Scene Two

Meanwhile, on t' other side of snug, two TVNZ executives were tuckin' into a plate of rissoles thoughtfully left there by the late Minnie Caldwell.

"I've got a plan," chortled Alice from TV Onederland. "I'll show that Minister. I'll show 'im ACC aren't the only ones who've pulled a financial hammie and come down wi' a bulging budget groin strain."

"How?" inquired Henry Paul, who'd always wanted to be a breakfast host.

"Simple," said Alice. "We won't put in a bid. None!"

"Brilliant," guffawed Henry, energetically twirling someone else's moustache. "Ummm ... I don't get it."

"And neither will we, y' pillock. If we don't bid, we can't win the hugely expensive free-to-air rights for t' Rugby World Cup, can we?

"Noooooooo," said Henry, puzzled. "But don't we want them?"

"Course we do!" snapped Alice. "And this way, we'll get 'em. When the Coal Man drops a tonne of nutty slack on our 'eads and wants to know 'ow this disaster's 'appened, I'll say, 'Sorry, Minister, but we're ACC wi' pictures, sir. Broke as a physiotherapist wi'out so much as a tube of liniment to rub together."'