Tools down by 7pm?

"To the low-life piece of trash on Konini Rd who rung noise control at 9.25pm because of some banging," writes a hopping mad Glen on the Titirangi Facebook page. "I would have finished a lot earlier but I thought it would be nice to spend time with my kids before they go to bed ... I'm making something for my son's birthday instead of buying him technology!

"Maybe as a neighbour you could have come over and had a look at what was happening rather than ring noise control. The noise control guy was mortified that someone had rung."

But another member of the community reckoned it was fair enough if you are banging past seven. Mallory explains: "There are parents just like you with small children who are sleeping, or people who have work very early in the morning - I am a baker, and I've had to wake up at 5am some mornings, so loud noises at even 9:25pm would be incredibly frustrating for those people.

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"Some people are non-confrontational problem solvers and with a response like this ('low-life piece of trash') I'm not surprised that your neighbour took to calling noise control instead of paying you a visit."

Nun the wiser
A doctor writes: "A tiny nun (certainly less than 4 feet, 122cm, tall) came in for the first time. She was in her habit. I asked her what was wrong and in a strong accent she replied: 'I've got pain in my arse.'

I thought this was rather powerful terminology for a nun, but kept my composure and asked the usual questions about bowel actions, blood in the stools ... I then asked her if there were any other problems, to which she replied: 'And light hurts them.' I then realised that she had said: 'I've got pain in my eyes.' I had been on the verge of performing a rectal exam on a diminutive nun whose only condition was conjunctivitis."
(Source: via quora.com)

If it feels like silk, it may be polyester. Photo / Supplied
If it feels like silk, it may be polyester. Photo / Supplied

Malapropisms

1.

I winced every time my union rep shouted at my employers in the 1980s: "These workers are behind the ace ball!"

2. When flying overseas, this from a 5-year-old granddaughter. "Grandpa, are you going "Business or Comedy Class"?

3. When my dad was a shopkeeper many years ago, he had a customer who would come in and ask for "idolised salt".

4. My friend rang yesterday and said she had been to the opticians and was going to get "bi-Vogel's".

5. I work with a man who has wrist problems; he has "Carpet Tunnel" syndrome.

Picture this: The Boyfriends of Instagram Facebook page shows the lengths young men will go to get the perfect photo for their girlfriends...

Picture this: The US president idiosyncratic handshake - the grip-and-yank-to-show-domination may have worked on Japanese PM Shinzo Abe and Supreme Court nominee Neil Gorsuch, but Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau was having none it..."He started off brilliantly by closing the distance between himself and Trump, meaning that if the president tried to pull him forward, the two would collide-mutually assured destruction. Immediately, he took away his opponent's greatest strength. Then he engaged Trump in a shoulder grab-a total power move that Trump countered with a shoulder/neck grab of his own..."
Read more here.

Video: When it's just the boys at home...


Got a Sideswipe? Send your pictures, links and anecdotes to Ana at ana.samways@nzherald.co.nz