Steve Braunias' Secret Diary of the Australian Surveillance Team

The motivational psychologist was asked how to get a result on Saturday. "Bring in Quade Cooper," he said. "Mate," said the psychic, "we're stuffed."
The motivational psychologist was asked how to get a result on Saturday. "Bring in Quade Cooper," he said. "Mate," said the psychic, "we're stuffed."

MONDAY

We held a briefing to discuss last week's botched attempt to covertly tape the All Blacks in their team room at the Intercontinental Hotel in Double Bay.

Present: the director of black ops, our top surveillance man, a psychic, a martial arts expert who knows how to kill a man in 375 different ways in unarmed combat, and the motivational psychologist.

Our top surveillance man took exception to being called out by the psychologist as an "amateur".

He said, "Mate I'm a professional and if you want to point the finger at anyone then I suggest you point it at the players."

The psychologist lunged forward. The martial arts expert had to intervene. He stood with his foot on the pyschologist's neck while the director of black ops asked our top surveillance man why it was that a security sweep was able to detect his listening device.

He maintained that his concealing of the device in the foam of a chair was "almost undetectable".

He said, "Mate I carefully cut the foam of the chair to make way for the device and then glued it back together."

He was asked whether he swept away the bits of foam under the chair or whether he just left them there.

He said, "Mate no one's perfect."

The martial arts expert, acting on instructions from the director of black ops, used one of his 375 methods.

TUESDAY

We held a hastily arranged interview session to recruit a top surveillance man before the next Wallabies vs All Blacks Bledisloe Cup match in Wellington on Saturday.

One applicant stood out.

The director of black ops asked, "Have you any prior experience in gaining access to secret information?"

He told a long story about hacking into files kept by an individual named Whaleoil, and passing them on to an author who wrote a book called Dirty Politics. One of the purposes of the book was to overthrow the New Zealand government.

The director of black ops asked whether the book succeeded in overthrowing the government.

The applicant said it seemed strange that he had to ask, and the director explained that it wasn't strange in the least, because no one in Australia took the slightest interest in New Zealand politics.

"We're the same," said the applicant.

The director asked, "You mean Kiwis don't take any interest in Australian politics?"

"No, in New Zealand politics."

WEDNESDAY

The director of black ops posed as a maid at the All Blacks' hotel in Wellington, and planted a listening device created by our top surveillance man.

The martial arts expert asked if there was any trouble. The director said he was groped by a couple of players from the Waikato Chiefs.

THURSDAY

We listened in to an All Blacks team meeting. There was a lot of animated conversation about a television show called The Real Housewives of Auckland. Many of the players said they liked a character called Gilda.

The conversation then turned to Auckland real estate.

After an hour, it switched to rugby.

Someone said, "Who are we playing on Saturday? I forget."

A voice replied, "The Aussies."

The laughter from the room was so loud that it crashed the listening device.

FRIDAY

We held a meeting to discuss this week's botched attempt to covertly tape the All Blacks.

The director wore his maid's costume.

He was asked whether he was going to return to the All Blacks' hotel and plant another listening device.

"No," he said.

The motivational psychologist was asked how to get a result on Saturday. "Bring in Quade Cooper," he said. "Mate," said the psychic, "we're stuffed."

- NZ Herald

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