A man is targeting women living alone; he is very cunning, manipulative, well-rehearsed and convincing.
Having been single and not actively looking for four years, my jerk-alert mechanism had lain dormant for a considerable time. My lack of vigilance meant that I was taken in - but only to a lesser degree and, fortunately, the only damage sustained was to my pride.
The only thing to do next, I thought, is spread the word and thus, the story unfolds as follows:
Recently, my phone rang. Caller ID displayed private caller.
"Hello, is this Doris?" the friendly male voice asked, introducing himself as "Robert M - - ."
He said: "A friend of yours gave me your number."
"Which friend?" I asked.
"Well, if she hasn't told you yet, I don't want to make her feel uncomfortable" (or words to that effect).
He told me about himself. Whangarei-based, single for eight years, own truck (Kaitaia-Auckland six days per week). Said he was a non-smoker and a social-only drinker. Claimed to love fishing (a healthy outdoor pursuit). Described himself as an "average-looking guy, a little overweight, tall at 6ft 3in (1.9m).
He also said he liked "a girly girl - feminine woman".
Retrospectively, I read that to mean submissive, low self-esteem, malleable.
I responded:, "If you're such a catch why are you still single?"
He shot back: "Because I'm fussy."
I said: "We have that in common, so am I."
He claimed to have four grown children and 14 grandchildren.
EIGHT INCHES
Looking back, his technique was extremely clever, credible and plausible. He would volunteer information about himself, interspersed with questions about me; how tall was I, what was my dress size, what did my hair look like, etc?
He would weave little morsels of commentary into these questions - almost incidental and casual, but obviously strategically tailored to remove suspicion or doubt.
Sincerity and genuineness oozed down the phone line.
He asked if he could meet me. I agreed and elected to meet on the next Saturday at 10am at a certain Whangarei cafe. Yes, he knew the place and said he'd be there.
I arrived at the café at the arranged time, and there was no sign of him.
After 20 minutes with no show or text, I left and went two doors down to my waiting friend, Debbie. We hid behind a shop window and watched.
A few minutes later, a guy of medium build (not tall) went to the cafe entrance, looked in, looked left and right down the street, and went inside.
We waited and he emerged with a purchase, stopped, looked left and right again, then walked off in the opposite direction.
We assume that was "Rob". No one behaves like that outside a shop ... and the timing was about right, although he was rather late.
"What if you were in the cafe and he came up to you, what then?" Debbie asked.
I would have said: "Hi Robert ... um, there's about eight inches missing above your head. Where did it go?"
At the Post Shop I checked out the Te Tai Tokerau (Maori), Northland and Whangarei electoral rolls. The only Robert M - - listed was retired. This Robert M - - appears not to exist. Subsequent phonebook, Google and Facebook searches yielded nothing.
I later rang my Auckland friend Sarah (counsellor) for her opinion. Sarah has counselled a lot of men, among them convicted rapists and abusers of women, a few of whom have disclosed their methods.
She explained the scenario, based on her many years of work with these men. The insight she provided was frightening.
THE TRAP
A woman lives alone and has a public phone listing; in my case under my family name: Xyz, Doris, PO Box - - (no residential address).
Robert is scouting the phone book and spots my name and number. He phones, assuming (in most instances, correctly) that I am single and looking for a relationship. He uses the line: "A friend gave me your phone number - don't want to say who if she hasn't mentioned it yet. Wondering if you're looking to meet someone, because I am."
He then begins to engage you in conversation, says everything you'd want to hear, portrays himself as a kind, genuine and sincere guy who is looking for someone special (you).
Non-smoker, hardly drinks. Describes himself physically. He asks about you. You are off your guard and your needy and vulnerable side is engaged. He gives you his mobile number (disposable phone/new SIM card). He asks you to name a public place and date/time. On that day, at the agreed time, he is watching the cafe entrance from nearby.
He knows it's you, having described yourself to a tee. He is careful to notice your gait, demeanour, effect. He is gauging whether you present as confident and assertive (and if so, he won't front up because his efforts will be wasted) or if your attire is feminine and girly, if you are nervous, unsure of yourself. Then he moves in.
He endears himself to you, and somehow even manages to convincingly explain the height discrepancy. So the ruse continues.
This mobile number is designated just for you and so is his bogus name. (Hint: At this point ask to see his driver's licence. He should be only too happy to if he is genuine and has your best interests at heart. Any excuses or reluctance should be seen as a huge red flag - leave immediately).
According to the scenario, further dates ensue.
THE ESCAPE
He picks up the tab, flatters you and makes you feel special. Eventually, being the predator that he is, he will abuse and exploit you financially or physically and/or mentally.
You will trust him enough to be alone with him, either at his place or yours or somewhere remote ("Let's go on a picnic").
He knows he will get good mileage from his strategy as many women would be too ashamed or embarrassed to lay a complaint and, let's face it, the police are overworked as it is.
You may convince yourself that you contributed to the problem by agreeing to go along with him. Newsflash: Being the unwitting victim of abuse and exploitation is never your fault. Even if you do register an official complaint, you have not had the presence of mind to take his photo, sight his driver's licence or note his car registration. You have not met his children, his friends or his family. You only have his bogus name and old SIM card number.
Like a lot of women, you are polite and don't want to rock the boat or upset him. He knows this, he is a master manipulator.
Major red flag: No true friend would ever indiscriminately give out your home number without first contacting you and enthusiastically recommending this fantastic man-find. In fact, if your friends are mostly single, they would readily snap this treasure up for themselves.
If you're a woman living alone and want to reduce the likelihood of this happening to you: Have your first name initial only in your phone listing (and even a second initial/s so it looks as though a couple lives there). Don't disclose your physical address.
"Rob" didn't approach me. I don't just walk, I strut. I am confident, a sharp dresser and have been described as "almost formidable" in my presentation.
He clearly didn't think I was worth his while. And, surprise, surprise, he hasn't contacted me since the initial call.
Dating Doris 2014