Shelley Bridgeman: How do you feel about going solo?

11:40 AM Thursday Dec 13, 2012

Are you happy to fly solo at parties and events?Photo / Thinkstock

'Tis the season for Christmas parties and end-of-year cocktail functions.

I have the utmost admiration for those who turn up to such occasions without a companion. I'm not fond of attending functions on my own - mainly because I'm not very good at it.

Mingling is not my forte. I'll never forget going to some corporate networking event in the 90s and being confronted by a noisy room full of small clusters of men. I wandered slowly around, first looking for someone I knew, then any friendly face and finally just anyone who'd notice me. I decided I'd leave if I'd completed a circuit of the room without being acknowledged by a solitary person. As it turned out I encountered a colleague and was saved from feeling like a social pariah.

With that experience firmly fixed in my mind I make a point now of keeping an eye open for people newly arrived or lurking at the edges of a group hoping to be acknowledged. I try to include anyone who seems to be at a bit of a loss. Feeling invisible while in full view of dozens of people is a most disconcerting experience.

I was reminded of the internal courage required to attend functions alone when we had our class drinks for school parents in Newmarket the other week. I arrived with my husband and although I didn't see him all evening (I was too busy gas-bagging with the other mums) I think just knowing there's someone there who will ultimately stop me looking like a Nelly-no-friends makes me relax and socialise up a storm. Perversely it's only if he wasn't there that I'd need him. Go figure.

But I noted a couple of women arrive without a partner and as they entered the back area of the bar I saw them get their game-face on a split second ahead of arriving. Maybe it was because I knew them but I perceived a subtle straightening of the spine and an arranging of the face in preparation for being cheerful, lively and interesting. Once they were happily ensconced in a convivial group, their relief was palpable.

I've travelled alone, lived alone, skied alone, dined in restaurants alone and I love going to the movies on my own but the prospect of attending a cocktail function alone fills me with dread. I wasn't looking forward to flying solo at my new-ish tennis club's Christmas party because I knew few members. I'd have chickened out had I not promised the captain of my interclub team I'd go. I parked the car, checked my lipstick, straightened my frock, put my game-face on and boldly headed inside. As it happened I arrived at exactly the same time as my friend (and captain). I let out a figurative sigh of relief and clung to her like a limpet all night.

Crisis averted.

Does turning up to events solo bother you? Have you any hideous experience you wish to share? Do you any have tips for mingling more easily?

Nick (Mt Roskill) | 01:22PM Thursday, 13 Dec 2012

You are not alone, there are millions who feel lost in crowd and just don't feel comfortable with small talk (which we critically analyse as useless) but then its an art. I am not good at it and pretty much like you but I do admire people who mix easily and make every party their own. Wish I was like that but I am one of those who thinks twice before speaking and result!!! I hardly speak at all ...lol and branded as loner.

popcorn (New Zealand) | 01:22PM Thursday, 13 Dec 2012

Normally these columns lead me to much eye-rolling and disparaging remarks about first world problems but in this I completely agree with you. I was horrifically bullied at school (an all girls' high school - oh the horror) and despite eventually growing into a relatively normal person the through of going in alone to a crowded room is still enough to make me break out in a cold sweat. My partner finds this terribly amusing as when with friends and family I am hardly introverted or shy. Maybe this would be a good time of year for people to try, as you do, to make an effort to include those people wandering around the fringes of groups at social gatherings like work Christmas parties. We all work hard through the year yet I always find it a struggle to get excited about mingling with colleagues especially as so many employers now seem to implement a 'no partners' policy. It's a shame to have people deciding to miss out on a nice night as a reward for a hard years work, simply because they are worried about being ignored or looking like the odd one out.

Northbloke (Auckland Central) | 01:22PM Thursday, 13 Dec 2012

Been a little while since I had to, but I hate it too - mingling with strangers is hard work! Have found there's a good chance you can create a little club of other loners (we're easy to spot, and easier to talk to than the 'minglers' I find), and monopolize the best spot near the food or bar :)