Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, this is my '00' 7th column for the New Zealand Herald, so I'm going with a James Bond theme on this one. My hope is that this will be picked up and used internationally alongside all the other celebrations to mark 50 years of the world's greatest spy.
First, I want you to picture four, possibly five, silhouetted naked girls draped over me as I form the shape of a Walther PPK. My luscious hair becomes the smoke from the barrel. Now here's the song (sing it slowly in a Shirley Bassey type manner):
"It's a dangerous world. A world of news ... and most of it's bad.
"But now Mondays have changed, oh yes ... now they make us glad.
"It's The Darby Column. It's a column of writing and it's on a page.
"He saves our world from doom, no matter what your age ..."
I am quite the Bond fanatic. I'm asked quite often (well ... not that often) who my favourite Bond is. I hate that question so I always reply - I like them all. I like them all individually for their individual reasons. Even George Lazenby was pretty good. He's classed as one of the most physically capable Bonds. Did you know that during his audition process he actually broke the nose of the chap he was mock-fighting?
In the 80s, when I was watching Bond films in the cinemas, Roger Moore was the man. I'll always have a soft spot for him. His Bond films were light-hearted and silly as well as action-packed. For me this spoke volumes. It meant that someday maybe someone like me with a whacky sense of humour could be James Bond.
Of course Sean Connery will always be the signature Bond. A towering man with a killer accent and a ridiculously smooth walk. They used to say he moved like a panther. Imagine that? I wish someone would say that about me. That's a lot cooler than "he moves like a robot" or "he looks like a pterodactyl on a cliff face", which is what I tend to get. Maybe I should add that to the song:
"It's The Darby Column, written by a man who looks like a prehistoric dinosaur bird.
"And he strikes his enemies down with the most robotic sound you've ever heard."
There comes a time in every man's life when he realises he will never be James Bond. Most men come to that conclusion early. I'm guessing some actors hang on a little longer. Me? I've held on to the dream until now. Right this very minute, while you've been reading this, I've realised. It's over for me too. I'll never be James Bond. There will never be a ginger Kiwi super spy from Pakuranga. I simply don't have the right voice, or walk ... or hair.
Hang on a minute! What am I saying? That's it! I'd make the perfect spy precisely because I don't have those traits!
I'll never say never again.