I was watching The Kardashians when I first decided to run for US president. Tired of reality TV dross, I lay on my couch and switched instead to a channel with rich makeup-daubed Americans bickering with one another.
There were four of them, all up. One more couldn't hurt, I thought. How hard can winning the Republican nomination be? Surely I couldn't do worse than Ron Paul.
Of course you need a few elements to win Republican delegates. I scanned my opponents and immediately set to work establishing a Super Pac, a silly first name and a blonde wife with a strained smile, tight forehead and stack of kids.
The Super Pac came first. Where to find a filthy rich American backer well-versed in the cogs of self-promotion and televisual ubiquity? I went back to The Kardashians.
"Sure, I'll do it," said Kim. "But only if we give your Super Pac a satirically patriotic name. Something like 'Home of the Brave, Land of the Free'."
"What are your policies?" she asked.
"Policies?" I said. "Oh yeah ..."
So I listened to Mitt. He was, after all, supposedly the frontrunner. I thought I could pinch a few ideas. He described the US economic recovery as the priority for any Republican president. Though he's built a career downsizing companies, he told everyone he could create thousands of jobs.
But then things changed. Rick Santorum started seizing Mitt's momentum. I realised it wasn't the economy, but far more important policies winning the popular vote. They were vital social issues, like how everyone who goes to university is "a snob" and how teleprompter machines should be banned from presidential races. Vital social issues.
Finally, because nobody listens to Ron Paul, I listened to Newt Gingrich. He and his dear wife Callista, with her blonde bob, strained smile and rigid forehead. They talked about oil and gas and how America actually still has heaps and we should burn our fuel and resources first before taking anything from Saudi Arabia.
But there was one element missing: a celebrity supporter that would even blow Kim Kardashian off the page. And since the others were doing it first, I pulled the greatest name drop of all.
Mitt Romney's team said this week it'd take an Act of God to prevent him winning. That could be an issue for Rick Santorum - he says his campaign is a mission from God. And good old Newt Gingrich tells us God has forgiven him for the extra-marital affairs he enjoyed during his two previous marriages. That's a relief for Callista.
So, with all that in mind; the policy, the Super Pac, the silly first name and God, ladies and gentlemen, I present myself to you.
I'm Raccoon Tame, Republican nominee and the next president of the United States. I'm the grandson of a Pittsburg steel worker, the kind of man who built America into the greatest country on earth. I'd introduce my petite, firm-foreheaded blonde wife, Courtney, but she's off dropping our eight kids at hockey.
My policies are simple. I want to fence out the Mexicans and bomb Iran. I won't borrow a cent from China and I'll burn every drop of American oil before I bow to a Saudi King. I want to beat Barack Obama. But more than that, I want to beat Mitt Romney. And Rick Santorum. And Newt Gingrich. And Ron Paul. You know, all those other guys in the same party as me.
Ladies and gentlemen, I'm sure you'll vote for a greater America.
Thank you, and God Bless.