In our new satire series we chew the fat with gossip gals Janet Wilson and Noelle McCarthy and consider conversations they probably never had. This week's subject: the 19-year-old university student who auctioned her virginity.
Noelle McCarthy: Voigin, moy sweet Corkish arse. I bet she's lost her flower tree times already.
Janet Wilson: Bee-yarch! It'll be like a second-hand car. What's the going price for a virgin these days?
McCarthy: $45,000, evidently. And what kind of fecking name is INeed for an auction site? I need a bleemin' holiday, tat's what I need.
Wilson: Oooh that's too delicious to contemplate. A chick's weekend... how exciting... we'll have the best time Girlfriend... you, me, a bottle of Tequila....
McCarthy: Overseas, Telma?
Wilson: Yes. Waiheke would be super. Supping wine in the vineyards... away from my home office... away from nattering Billy and the pooches...
McCarthy: Tat gets the fecking fistpump, doesn't it?
Wilson: Does it what! Bring your headscarf girlfriend....
McCarthy: Fullers ferry here we come!
Anika Moa weds
Songbird Anika Moa has wed her girlfriend, burlesque star "Azaria Universe," in a civil union, close friends of the singer told Spy.
The award-winning musician told The Press last year that she is "not getting any younger and wants to settle down". She joked her girlfriend had become something of a "bridezilla".
Moa performed at the Heineken Open last month and was snapped with her mum. She told the paper she was pleased to have her mother's support to help organise the nuptials.
Spy hears the newlyweds celebrated their honeymoon camping and invited a dozen friends to join them.
Keeping up with his young, trim, 25-year-old spouse Heather, precious treasure Barry Soper, 57, has hit the parliamentary gym with vigour to shed the unwanted summer pounds.
My spies tell me fiscally cautious Soper works out religiously at the Beehive gymnasium where it's free to exercise. And to marry. The Sopers said "I-do" at the 'Hive last year.
We admire Bazza's commitment to healthy living and we wonder, with Stephen Gray's dramatic exit from the Good Morning couch, will Bazza - who's a panellist on the show- volunteer to don the leotard and legwarmers and hit the jazzercise mat?
Nothing would surprise us. Who would have thought Gen Y Heather would have been able to update Soper's dusty old wardrobe? But she has.
Gone are the fuddy-duddy bow ties in exchange for open-necked shirts and wiry chest hairs.
Dear Richard Harman, I am glad you're back out and about preparing the new political show you've taken to the opposition at TV3 now that you're no longer working for the nation's state-owned network. It's been a long time coming.
Holmesy, Guyon and the Q&A crew have already snagged a Qantas award. But you'll catch up.
Your tax-payer funding has come through and the talent has been selected. You've snared Stephen Parker away from Gerry Brownlee's office and you have the incomparable Duncan Garner on your team, which, let's face it, is the best weapon in TV3's armoury. Fuggedabout John Campbell. Garner Live has a nice ring to it, don't you think?
But I digress. I'd like to take this moment to wish your show The Nation the best of luck when it hits our screens next month. Anthony Flannery and his TVNZ newshounds aren't the only ones waiting with bated breath.
But, just a word of wisdom: when a quizzy hack rings to ask about rumours of trouble on the set, it would not help to get rudely abrasive and over-react by shutting down the chit-chat and hanging up, followed swiftly by an emergency call to the network's PR exec to mend the perceived broken bridge.
No harm done, Dicky.
I hear personalities have clashed behind-the-scenes on the show and office partitions have gone up to keep the parties at peace, but you assured me it was love, sweet love. My spies tell me the desks are still arriving.
No doubt any teething problems will be ironed out before showtime. As will your prickly demeanour, I hope.