A mum-of-two bumbling from one disaster to the next.

Beck Vass: Don't try to be a cool mum

With an early morning appointment booked on a rainy day with two kids in tow, Beck Vass decided she was not going to be like a regular mum, she was going to be a cool mum. Photo / YouTube
With an early morning appointment booked on a rainy day with two kids in tow, Beck Vass decided she was not going to be like a regular mum, she was going to be a cool mum. Photo / YouTube

It seemed like a simple enough task: A warrant for the car booked for 8am. We're always up early. We can do 8am.

I thought I would be Cool Mum and take the kids on an adventure while we waited for the car to be assessed. We would be spontaneous. We would be fun!

But my son, two - who we recently moved to a big bed because he kept climbing out of the cot - decided to play Jack-in-the-box, popping in to our bedroom repeatedly, ALL NIGHT.

Every time I was about to fall asleep, there came another noise I had to get up to. Or I found him beside me, grinning.

My husband was going away for two nights and had to be up earlier than usual. So I was going to use his alarm to get myself ready. But I didn't.

Our daughter, four, had come down with a cold. And because it was raining (don't worry, Cool Mum does walks in the rain) and the sky still quite dark, she slept in. I had to wake her from the deepest sleep ever on the only day she doesn't have daycare - her only chance to sleep in - oh, the guilt.

But I was determined to make the 8am appointment.

First, there was a wrestling match to get my son in to his car seat: "Tight, tight, duck, duck [stuck]," he screamed, trying to bite and head bash me.

But his outburst was no trouble for Cool Mum who was caffeinated earlier than usual and dodged the violence like the experienced pro she is.

By the time we dropped the car off it was 8.02am. I am very rarely late.

Because of the rain and my son's new "game" where he runs from me out on to busy roads, I diverted to a nearby café with a kids' play room. And things were okay until my daughter screamed the place down.

What looked like an older toddler tantrum as she thrashed and howled on the floor was actually quite a hard fall off a rocking horse. She had landed on its metal stirrup - smack bang on her butt hole. I have never landed on a rocking horse's metal stirrup with my butt hole but it appeared to be reasonably painful.

Ever the opportunist, my son thought it would be hilarious to run away while I tried to comfort his sister.

I felt the eyes of the customers follow me as chased him down the stairs and out onto the street. I caught him on the footpath, laughing like a maniac, wearing large sunglasses and dragging a plastic dog on a lead, both stolen from the cafe's toy room.

Then, I smelled something. Of course: a dirty nappy, exactly what the situation was missing.

We collected the car soon after and came home, where I had kids' drumsticks - yes, my husband bought them drums - thrown at me because I wouldn't let our son use a sharp knife to cut the avocado he had stolen from the pantry.

It was 10am. Cool Mum was done.

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A mum-of-two bumbling from one disaster to the next.

Beck Vass is a former Herald reporter who is going openly insane while looking after her two children at home. She spends her days wandering from room to room with a dishcloth wondering what it was she went there for. She sometimes finds herself in public with her shirt on inside out too. Beck likes her coffee strong and her gins even stronger.

Read more by Beck Vass

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