Margot Schwass, writer and compiler of the book Last Words, at the Bolton St Cemetery in Wellington. Picture / Mark Mitchell

Margot Schwass, writer and compiler of the book Last Words, at the Bolton St Cemetery in Wellington. Picture / Mark Mitchell

Mariam was a young, Christian Ethiopian refugee, working behind a Wellington shop counter.

One of her siblings had just died, and she felt the urge to do what would have been, back home, the cultural norm - shave her head as a sign of respect and mourning.

But she was too frightened to talk to her boss, thinking he and the customers would be put off by a bald head.

Encouraged by her refugee counsellor to broach the subject with her employer, Mariam was surprised to meet a respectful response.

The pair agreed Mariam would shave her head, but wear a beanie or scarf when serving if that made her feel more comfortable.

The anecdote illustrates the importance of communicating with others about cultural values, beliefs and practices, and why they are important, says Wellington writer Margot Schwass, compiler of Last Words: approaches to death and dying in New Zealand's cultures and faiths (Bridget Williams Books, $29.95.)

Commissioned by the Funeral Directors Association but aimed beyond its members, the book describes how New Zealanders of all backgrounds handle death, covering 19 cultures and 14 faiths.

Even among distinct groups, there is great diversity in how death is marked. Practices are much looser than labels might suggest, says Ms Schwass.

"Things aren't fixed. You can't fill out a checklist and say, if you're a nurse with a Muslim man dying in bed three, 'I've got to do this, this and this.' It's not going to be as cut-and-dried as that."

Ms Schwass thinks that although many people are aware of cultural differences, they are often too frightened of causing offence to ask someone from another culture what they need when there has been a death.

But they worry needlessly. The message she received from her subjects was that they are enormously receptive to questions and understand that others may not be aware of cultural niceties.

When death draws near

In Islam, death is seen as part of God's plan, says Ms Schwass, and there is a strong belief that only God/Allah can determine the moment of death. Consequently, some Muslims may not appreciate doctors' predictions. Muslims will often gather over a dying person to say prayers, to focus them on the afterlife they believe exists.