It's Horse of the Year time again and the Hawke's Bay Showgrounds have been taken over by everything equestrian from horses themselves to horse-themed jewellery.
Back in the olden days when horsepower meant actual stinky, hairy, hooved equines, humans used horses for all sorts of important tasks.
They dragged ploughs to prepare the ground for food crops, trudged in circles harnessed to mill wheels to grind grain, hauled timber out of the bush, shingle for roads, wool bales ... most things we used were dragged from town to town in carts drawn by horses.
They transported us too, on horseback or on wheels.
Somewhere along the way the sneaky hairy buggers changed the tables on us, and nowhere is it more obvious than at HOY.
The horses at HOY don't drag stuff. In fact they all get there by being towed, in their own personal trailers or in palatial horse-trucks.
And instead of hauling luggage, they now have their own luggage.
No self-respecting horse will leave home and head to a show these days without at least three changes of clothes: daywear, nightwear and underwear at the very least.
Daywear is usually something light in cotton, worn over lycra undergarments. Nightwear is a duvet-style snuggie, unless - horror of horrors - the horse has to sleep outside in a paddock or yard instead of inside a cosy stable, in which case it will need to be bundled into a padded overcoat as well.
Leisure legwear is also a must, sheepskin leg-warmers or fleecy leg bandages are currently fashionable.
The horse-about-town must also watch its diet. Bags of special-recipe horse feed are supplemented with vitamins, minerals, potions, oils, powders and secret ingredients to make their hooves grow, their coats shine and their muscles bulge and ripple.
This is topped with bales of designer horse hay grown from only the finest horse-friendly forage.
Some horses expect their hay to be soaked before they will eat it, some prefer theirs steamed. Hay must be eaten from a hay net (large or small holed depending on dietary requirements) or a hay bag.
So who does all this dressing and undressing and feeding and hay soaking?
Horses have servants these days. Sometimes these servants are called owners. Other times the owner-servants have a sub-species of servant called grooms. Either way, the horses' servants are expected to deliver food and liquid refreshment at regular intervals, clean up afterwards, change the horses' bedding and clothing and keep them brushed and polished at all times.
Horses these days have their own brands of shampoos and conditioners. They have hair dye. They have hoof polish and they have makeup.
On show-days things ramp up to a frenzy. The horses' servants are expected to be up before daylight, as they have a lot to do.
The noble horse will have had a shampoo and conditioner the day before, and probably a hot-oil treatment. On show morning they will need a hair-up. This involves plaiting their manes into many small pigtails and then rolling it into many tiny buns. Which should be stitched in place. With a needle and thread.
The rest of the horse will be brushed and then polished with horse-polish and a soft cloth.
Its hooves will be sandpapered, painted black and have an overcoat of clear gloss. If the horse has white on its legs the white hair will be shaved off and the white will be painted back on with horse paint. Yes there is such a thing. It also comes in black.
Once the horse is polished and painted, it has makeup applied. Yes makeup. Yes really.
Then it's dressed in shiny matching gear and ridden for - oooh - sometimes an hour, more or less. Then its servants undress and bathe it, often give it a massage and give its legs an ice treatment and feed it and put its jim-jams on and put it back to bed.
Yes really.
Of course there are variations ... showjumping horses don't necessarily have their hair in tiny buns and they wear sports-legwarmers and hats with ears in them. Dressage horses aren't allowed legwarmers in competition but they only have to compete for six minutes or so.
Show ponies go round and round for much longer than showjumpers or dressage horses but they get to wear the most makeup. And a wig. In their tails. No I'm not lying.
At the end of the day the horses are put to bed washed, dried, clothed, fed, massaged, polished, rehydrated, given their sports supplements and tucked in tightly.
Their grooms and owner-servants fall into bed fully clothed, sweaty, exhausted, hungry and still with their boots on.
Sometimes they will be clutching the spoils of the day .. .a ribbon or two and an envelope with not enough money to cover their entry fees.
Is there something wrong here? Not if you're a horse. Horses have somehow gained the upper hand after centuries of servitude. Now they really are taking us for a ride.