As I lie prostrate on the ground in supplication and torment, I beg anyone with any power at all ... just bloody well elect a US president NOW, please.
With only days to go I feel like even one more so-called 'news' story about America's filthiest election ever will be the straw that breaks the camel's back.
I will personally get on a plane, fly to America and mow down either candidate just to leave one of them standing and end the agony of enduring more muck-slinging.
(And just because I'm talking about the touchy United States here, can I make it quite clear I mean 'mow down' in the putting, ride-on John Deere way, not the semi-automatic one.)
Way back close to when time first began and Donald Trump squared his shoulders, smoothed back his hair plugs and raised his age-spotted hand to announce he was running for president, I found the whole scenario of a sexist, racist, elitist, celebrity real estate tycoon wanting to lead the free world rather entertaining.
But that was 16 long, long, looooong months ago and since then my smile has been turned upside down along with any respect I had for the political system of the world's largest super power.
If Americans elect Trump next week, they'll be getting the president they deserve.
Unfortunately the rest of us will be getting a ginger-haired wide boy who seems more likely to kick off World War III than prudently shepherd us through the complex, diplomatic manoeuvering required these days to ensure international peace and economic stability.
If he can lose close to a billion dollars of his own cash in a year, imagine the fun he could have when let loose on the US treasury ... and the military.
But I digress.
What I really want to rant about is how distracting the politics of personality has become in the presidential campaign, and how deeply disappointing it is to see just how low the high-brow among us will stoop to score a point (and a point could be all that it comes down to, after all).
And as if it isn't bad enough watching the would-be leaders of the United States trade petty and dirty blows, the media has climbed on board the bus and turned the whole campaign into a circus.
I know exactly what Donald Trump and Hilary Clinton think about each other and every highly-questionable slur they've put out there to bring each other down but I honestly couldn't tell you what either of them intended to actually do to improve America for Americans if they get elected.
There simply isn't space among the slanderous headlines to address real matters of policy.
The race for the top job has become more like a top-rating sitcom than a serious international event and as the finale draws closer I wonder if I wouldn't learn more clicking on the next 'news' story about Kim Kardashian than one about Donald and Hilary?
With our own election about a year away, we can expect interest in New Zealand politics to rise - especially when it actually gets a chance to after the US campaign stops hogging headlines.
By comparison, Key versus Little will be mind-numbingly boring. But isn't that what politics should be, instead of vapidly entertaining?