In May, Tiger Woods got so wasted on prescription drugs police found him unconscious behind the wheel of his Mercedes-Benz, parked randomly on the side of a road. This was your fault.
Last week's toxicology report listed five substances the great but slightly annoying man had in his system.
Hydrocodone (Vicodin), Hydromorphone (Dilaudid), Alprazolam (Xanax), Zolpidem (Ambien), Delta-9 carboxy THC. Impressive.
He claims he was medicating to deal with the pain from his fourth major back surgery. But surely there is more to it than that.
To me this is the intake of a man trying to block everything out. Physical and mental pain. Poor bastard. The dude who once had it all, is clearly struggling.
Bloody good too. It makes us feel good when rich and successful people's lives fall to pieces. It's heart-warming to think that bottom feeders like you and I are happier than a super talented, rich and famous man like Tiger Woods. Sure we have achieved little with our lives but at least we don't need to slam 5 different drugs to get through the day. Most of us can get by with one - booze. On this one small level we are doing better than Tiger Woods. Congrats.
So let's really get in to and savour the details of Tiger's proscription drug cocktail.
There's the Vicodin a powerful opioid pain medication. The one Eminem blamed on his massive weight gain when it was really cheeseburgers.
Dilaudid is another powerful opioid pain medication. Throw in some Ambien and that's three butt-kicking downers.
Then there's the THC which is of course the active ingredient in Whakamana (cannabis). Finally Xanax, a drug that deals with anxiety and depression. Whoa! How did it get to this for Tiger?
A better question is why do we care? We destroyed an entertaining elite athlete we didn't personally know because he cheated on a wife we also didn't know. Shame on us and not on him. It's your fault. We were all part of the mob who judged him.
It's not like golf is a bastion of morality. Half hour drive to the course, four hours in fancy dress followed by at least two hours at the 19th getting steamed. It's fun. It's challenging. But it's mainly time away from your family pesting around with your mates on some grass chasing a ball with a set of expensive sticks.
Co-incidentally as I write this, the guy at the desk beside me is telling the story of our last golf tournament. He ended up boozed in the boot of a car with a well known broadcaster reading dirty magazines. The same broadcaster had just signed the breasts of an 18-year-old girl at the 18th at Muriwai. The story teller claimed he laid a toad in the hole on the 139m, par 3, 6th at the Pauanui Pines.
Tiger is a saint compared to many at your local course.
As Jesus said "Let any one of you who is without sin be the first to throw a stone." So before I judge Tiger I have a confession.
I was mildly addicted to prescription drugs after a horrible back injury in 2009. I needed a heap of pain relief just to get by. It was so good. So so good. Twelve months of Tramadol bliss. I loved every minute of it. Well worth breaking my spine for.
Sadly and selfishly once I had healed my doctor cut me off. A dark week followed. Days in bed scratching and writhing. After feeling nothing for a year, everything felt bad. I could feel my teeth in my gums, my fingernails growing, the hair curling in my crack. It all hurt.
The anxiety, the worry, the constipation. I look back on those days on the prescriptions as the best of my life. The cold turkey the worst. But in my defence I'm still better than Tiger because I was only on one or two - not five.
Since being slaughtered by you for doing what all super stars do, Tiger Woods has slid downhill to the point he needs Vicodin. Dilaudid, Xanax, Ambien and Whakamana just to get by. Poor bastard. I hope he gets better soon. I loved watching him at his peak. He's probably a great guy.
But for now his humiliation is making the rest of us feel good about ourselves. So good on him. Sweet as.